Teresa's Blog

How Much are You Willing to Give Up?

2012-01-05T20:09:00.001-05:00

Our country is in crisis. We are being destroyed. Not by outside enemies who are looking to destroy us, but within our own structure, by people who have been put in positions of power…and the blind, naïve or ignorant lambs that have put them there (and I include myself in that group. NO ONE can be excluded from responsibility). With this being an election year, I want to get a few of my thoughts and opinions out there…I want people to think. You don’t have to AGREE…but you do need to THINK. Now let’s begin with my audacity to publicly state my opinion. How dare I do such a thing? Especially since some poor soul may be offended, hurt or upset by what I may type? Well, I’m going to do it because I am not willing to sacrifice my right to free speech because there may be someone who doesn’t agree with me. I have a right to say what I want to say just as YOU have the right to disagree with me. Now that that’s out of the way…We have become a nation of wusses. That’s right, I said it. Thanks to political correctness, our passivity, and our laziness, our nation has become soft. We can’t say anything against anyone because it may hurt their feelings. We can’t allow our young children to experience defeat in sports so we let them play the game…we just don’t keep score anymore. That way no one gets hurt and they are all winners and everybody feels good. Well that’s certainly how real life is now isn’t it??? We can’t speak against other religions because it upsets so many…unless of course you are speaking against Christianity then it’s fair game. What if Tim Tebow was any other religion, other than Christian…would his faith be an issue in the news?? Let me ask you this…are you willing to give up your religion to keep from upsetting someone? Are you willing to HIDE your faith (whatever it may be…) so that it will not be offensive to others? I find myself choosing my words delicately as I write this…and frankly it’s a shame. Do you realize that is the road we are headed down now? Let that sink in for a minute. Now, tell me….are you willing to FIGHT to keep the right to practice your faith? I’m not talking radicalism…extremists in ANY religion are dangerous. But are you willing to stand up against someone who says you no longer have the right to your faith?? On December 31, 2011, a young mother in Blanchard, OK shot and killed an intruder in her home. She is 18 years old and was protecting herself as well as her 3 month old son. When she called 911, she stated she had TWO guns in her hands. If not for those weapons, she and her 3 month old baby could have, and most likely would have, died that day. Do you think that brave young lady is willing to give up her right to keep and bear arms? We have to be responsible in our homes, of course, to keep these weapons out of the hands of small children so that accidents do not happen as they regrettably do. However, we cannot give up our right to own a gun. There are people who think we should do just that. So, let’s say we do give up our right to keep and bear arms…then what? Not only can we not protect our homes but we can’t protect our freedoms. And I am not speaking about fighting other countries…I’m speaking about fighting our own government. Think about that for a minute. Our country was founded on a land that was soaked in the blood of our ancestors…ancestors who believed and wanted a freedom so badly that they were willing to DIE for it and many did….Are you? My generation may not have to…but there may come a day when my son or future grandchildren may have to take up a gun and stand against his own government to fight for freedoms that are slowly being taken away from our people. The politics of this country disgust me. I can’t claim loyalty to any party because they all make me sick. This side won’t budge to meet that side. The left against the right. People get upset when someone calls President Obama simply Obama, saying he deserves our respect…and they are the same ones that got a lot of pleasure out of calling President Bush simply Bush…as well as other names. Frankly speaking, they both suck and have done awful jobs in their presidency. Why yes, I said that too. Liberals are doing this and Conservatives are doing that. It’s all getting to be more than enough. I have done like many people I know and simply chosen the lesser of all evils at election time. Unfortunately, evil is still evil and it has caught up with us. Our government is so big and so deeply corrupted that it cannot be fixed simply by elections. Between the lobbyists, ear-marks, hidden agendas and “career politicians”…we are beyond a simple solution. We have so many issues that are so far beyond a simple solution, that I can’t even wrap my head around it all at the moment. We are slowly being transformed into a socialist state. Socialism is an economic system in which the production and distribution of goods are controlled by the government rather than by private enterprise, and in which cooperation rather than competition guides economic activity. Laziness and ignorance is what is driving our country to this deplorable state. No one wants to work for what they get…they would rather have our government hand it to them. Healthcare, food, education….all of it, everything. Government assistance should be very limited and given only to those who NEED it, are willing to work, and only for a short period of time. A government that has the power to GIVE you everything you need also has the power to TAKE AWAY everything you have….think about that. I am going to use myself as an example here. I am a single mom to one 15 year old boy. I do not receive child support. I have a job, but am not offered benefits of any kind so that means I am uninsured. I received government assistance in the form of food stamps for a 3 month period of time when I was out of work, but that is no longer the case. I do not feel it is right for me to take assistance when I can work and make a paycheck. However, there are those that do and there are also those that don’t deserve it and are bleeding the system dry. Our country is in an economic meltdown…and we have so many people living off of the government that it is shameful. People who are perfectly capable of working and holding down a job…and also people who are in this country illegally and do not pay taxes…UH Oh. Did she just say that?? Why yes I did. Used to…when people came to this country, they took pride in becoming American citizens, becoming a functional member of society. If a person comes here, why not become a citizen and pay taxes? Well, probably because the government is now set up to give them everything they could possibly need and they have to pay nothing in to get it. Let’s take healthcare for example…I am uninsured. If I am sick, I have to pay cash to see a doctor. If I don’t have the cash, then I stay sick. Do you know that there are special provisions in place to pay 100% of all healthcare costs for immigrants? I am not referring to Indigent Care…I am speaking of something totally different. And being that they are not citizens and do not pay taxes…who do you think pays for it? And now, our government has passed laws forbidding law enforcement, healthcare providers, etc from inquiring whether one is here legally or not. Why not come to this country then?!? Geez…Free money that no taxes are paid on, free healthcare and free food with no questions asked. Do you know when I had to apply for assistance; I had to show proof of everything, who I am, who my child is, my social security number, his social security number….all of that. I am a citizen of the United States…hmmm…. So now, if I don’t have the money to buy food, I don’t eat. Now, for those who truly need it…it should be there for them. A temporary form of assistance until one gets back on their feet. And yes, I do believe there should be drug testing involved to be qualified. If it is legal for companies to randomly drug test their employees, then it should be a requirement to receive any and all forms of governmental assistance. Period. Let’s talk taxes. It’s getting that time of year where everyone is either super eager about filing because they get that big old refund, or they are in despair because they have to write old Uncle Sam a nice big check. What if everyone paid the same amount? Think about it for a second. Now a days, we work. We bring home a percentage of our pay due to taxes (I am leaving out benefit deductions and such because it doesn’t really apply here). Then when we go to purchase items, we pay more taxes. On our property, cars and such we pay taxes every year…which by the way, I believe is completely illegal. Once you pay taxes on something you shouldn’t have to pay taxes on it again…but anyway... So we have our little check minus taxes, our little purchases minus taxes…etc. We are taxed to death. Imagine if everyone paid the same amount. OH…here she goes again. What if you brought home 100% of your pay (minus insurance, savings, etc)?? You worked for that money and it belongs to you. How would we pay our government and such you ask?? Sales tax. That’s right. A flat rate sales tax across the board… and just for arguments sake, let’s say it’s 15%. Yes, you are paying more for products but if you can afford to buy a new car, then you can afford to pay the tax on it. If you can afford to buy that new computer…then you can afford to pay tax on it. No more child tax credits, no more earned income credits, no more deducting your mileage, no more income tax, no more death tax, no more marriage tax, no more IRS bullshit. No more IRS period!! Yes, that would mean no more refunds (and yes, I too get large refunds being a single working mom), but if I am working and bringing home my money then why worry? Why? I’ll tell you why some would hate it, because they would miss out on their big pay day every year. We have people that don’t work, never pay taxes and yet get back $2500 per child that they pop out. Then on top of that, they are on government assistance too. But no one is willing to put it out there because we are so politically correct that we worry we may step on someone’s toes and piss them off. Well, the only ones that will get pissed off are the ones that are guilty of it…and they need to stop taking advantage of the system. It’s time we stood up and put a stop to it. We need to stop giving out government assistance like it’s free and we need to close our borders and stop being so damn soft. We need to stop taxing the hard working Americans to death and make it fair across the board. Now I am a simple girl, and I know that my solution to the problem may not work 100%, there has to be something that I’m not seeing but the IDEA is right and it WILL work. We need to do away with the North American Free Trade Agreement, better known as NAFTA, and bring our industry back to this country. We need to consider putting term limits on ALL government offices. Career politicians have become too cozy in their little bubbles and have no clue as to what this country is really like down here on the working level. We need to extinguish our dependence on foreign fuel and find better alternatives. We need to stop giving so much aid to other countries while our country is drowning in debt. We need to stop sitting by thinking that it will all work out eventually because it just might not. We need to remember that there was a time when we had to fight for what we wanted and we may just have to again. We need to grow a backbone and stop pooh-poohing around the truth so much. We need to start thinking for ourselves instead of letting the media tell us what we should think. Guess what, when something comes out in the news…I research it. I don’t just listen to CNN or FOXNEWS or read one paper. I dig. I read it all. And then I make my own conclusions. The media can make anything they want happen because people automatically believe what they hear. Stop being led…stop being the pawn. Let’s set politics aside and use another example: Casey Anthony….now before that trial even started, based on what the media had portrayed, that woman was tried, convicted and sentenced to death by nearly every woman in America. I’m not going to get into whether I think she is innocent or guilty…but think about this…that jury didn’t get to hear everything you heard. All they could go by was evidence that was placed before them. That’s it. They didn’t get to hear all the reports on the various news networks. They didn’t get to hear Nancy Grace every single day talk about it. They simply had the evidence. We all know that she was not convicted. There was reasonable doubt to her guilt based on the EVIDENCE. However, 98% of the women in this country was ready to go to Florida and impose the death penalty themselves…all because of what they were fed by the media. And I personally know some and debated with some that didn’t even listen to the case AT ALL and was incensed at the verdict. They didn’t hear evidence; they just went with the pack mentality. We MUST start thinking for ourselves again!! And we MUST stop being afraid if what we think and what we believe is not in line with the masses and their politically correct ideas. Stand up people. Do your research. Come to your own conclusions.My head hurts. There is so much more…but I would be here forever if I even tried to get it all out. It all comes down to this. THINK. I want you to think. Stop acting like lambs being led to slaughter and start thinking about everything. Think about your faith. Think about your rights. Think about your government. Think about your country. Think about the economy. Think about your sons and daughters. Think about the bloodshed it took to create this country and think about our willingness to just sit by and let it be destroyed. Think about all the things you are willing to give up. Think about all the things we have to fight for. JUST THINK.

2011...I made it through it....

2011-12-31T05:57:00.000-05:00

So, As I sit here on the eve of a new year...all I can think about it how thankful I am that I made it through this past year. There were some highs and lows and it honestly felt like a roller coaster at times. The beginning of the year found me in a new job. A job that, at first, I believed was a dream come true. Turns out...well...not so much lol. I have managed to stick with it though, even though my instinct is telling me to run like hell. In July, I met Brent. This, my dear readers, was definitely a highlight. Make no mistake, I am no longer the naive, fairytail believing, happily-ever-after woman that I used to be...but this just feels right. We are on a slow road. A very slow road that has been a lot of fun to travel. I'm learning alot about myself because of Brent. He has become my best friend. Where this is headed, I do not know...but I do know that the journey getting there is going to be well worth it.Kobe has been through alot this year. He is a freshman in high school. He is doing so well...making good grades and loving his classes. He has, unfortunately, learned a lot of truths as well. He got to see first hand what a douche his dad is and it has hurt him badly. That first glimpse that a child sees of reality can do a lot of damage sometimes. He was thrown head-first into a situation that no one should be a part, let alone a kid, but it had to be done. I was faced with a hard decision to continue to make excuses for a low life that didn't deserve it...or let his true colors come to light. I let the latter happen and although it hurt both of us...I am glad that he has seen the truth. It has brought us closer together.So, as you can see...this year in review is quite a bit shorter than the ones from the past. It's been a good year for the most part...but I can't wait to see what 2012 has in store. Happy New Year my friends! May this next year bring you peace, love and happiness. My hope is that you get everything you need and most of what you want :))

Changes...the Next Chapter.

2011-12-20T09:36:00.001-05:00

I am approaching the next chapter in this crazy life of mine. Classes begin January 9th...that's right...I'm going back to school. I have been threatening to do it for years, but finally have the motivation and the determination to get it done now. I will be persuing my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. It's what I've always wanted to do and I am excited to finally be there. Life has been a weird roller coaster for me over the years. I seem to be the queen of the ups and downs. This point in my life is definitely an up...and for the first time in my life, I am not in a cloud of naivety...thinking this is all there will ever be. I'm forever on the lookout now...not necessarily waiting on the next disaster, but never again thinking happily ever after is real. There will always be something...Brent and I are doing well together. Slow and steady seems to be our motto right now. He is a wonderfully nice man and very kind...and he makes me smile. I have so much fun with him. Instead of thinking too much of the future, I am enjoying the moment...the future will take care of itself.Work is work. I love my job for the most part. Not too crazy about the person that has been placed in charged of the Ga plant...but it's not my place to pick and choose. He's an idiot though...and obnoxious and power hungry. One thing I can not stand is an obnoxious man.I'm ready to move back to Tifton....I miss my home. Moultrie just isn't my home. I don't feel like I belong there. Kobe is an awesome kid. Unfortunately, he is learning some tough life lessons lately that no child should have to learn. His dad is a worthless waste of air...and it's tough to come to terms with for him. And despite everyone's opinion, which I am sure SOOOOO many people have, he came to this conclusion on his own. I feel sorry for him. A young man his age needs a strong, dependable father figure...and although he has my dad and brother and Brent...it doesn't replace the void left by having a loser father. All I can do is pray he uses this pain in a good way. Let it make him stronger and not bitter. It's tough...but it can be done. I could have easily become bitter...but instead I let my life lessons make me stronger. So...It's Christmas time and for the first time in FOREVER...I am a big ol' scrooge. I just don't have it in me this year and that is so not me. I am usually the one trying to force the Christmas spirit on everyone else around me. I couldn't care less this year. I don't know why...but I feel very Bah Humbug right now. Maybe I can find some Christmas cheer before Sunday:)

Because somebody has to say it....

2011-11-29T05:52:00.001-05:00

While you sit wherever you are..lamenting about your life and all the things you wish you had, your son is sitting here disgusted and incensed by his "father" (and I do use that term in the lightest manner possible). You have continued time after time to be stupid and do deplorable things and think a simple "I'm sorry, I'll try to be better" will make things ok. Well guess what...5 years ago that stopped working for me and now it has finally stopped working for Kobe. He's a young man now and he's no longer naive to you and your dastardly deeds. In the beginning...I hid the truth from him because he was too young to understand. When he became older and started asking questions...started seeing things for himself, I stopped sugar coating the bullshit. At first, it hurt him, as I knew it would. I prayed that I did the right thing by affirming what he suspected and at first, I thought I had made a terrible mistake. He became angry. Not at you, as he should have, but at me for not telling him what he WANTED to hear. But, as all of my friends told me, he had time to think about it and cool off and we all knew that eventually, you would show your true colors around him. And, well...you did in a mind-blowing spectacular way. Leaving him sitting in a run-down trailer all alone after you walk out on him, your young daughter and your pregnant wife. So, now my boy is back and we have an even more open and honest relationship thanks to you. Now, He can be just as truthful and open about his loser father as everyone else is. He sees you for what you really are now...especially when you post it all over Facebook for the world and your son to see. Oh, thanks also for allowing your whore to comment on your page and letting your son get a glimpse of her trashy fat ass in her barely there halloween costume. That was an A+ on the parenting there you creep. You can sit there and whine and cry and play the victim as you always do...but people are tired of hearing it. I know what you are doing and how that sick mind of yours works. You want people to feel sorry for you, to give you a reason to justify your actions...but everyone is sick of hearing you and your lies and your demented views. No one is going to tell you that what you are doing is ok. NO ONE. You are a selfish, mean, arrogant, obnoxious, hateful, vile monster. It's time to grow up...although the whole world knows that will never happen. Do you realize...that when I forced the child support issue and YOU cried and whined to Kobe about it...you actually told him that you could not pay because you could barely take care of your family. Your family?!?! You stupid waste of air...KOBE is your family and since the day you walked out on us, you have done nothing but try to find a way out of doing the right thing by him. I put up with so much bullshit and played nice for so long...all for him. I swallowed my pride and did without to make sure he had all he needed because you never would. I begged for money to buy him food and medicine...all the while having to look at CHILDSUPPORT written on the checks in big bold letters by your new wife because neither of you could stand having let go of a few dollars to help him and was so afraid it might actually make my life a little easier by getting what he and I both deserved. When nice finally ended and I stopped putting up with the crap...you had my son's child support reduced. Of course, you were driving around in a brand new Camaro...sporting stylish clothes all over town...acting like the fool you are. You managed to buy Kobe a book bag for school. That's it. You dropped him off a cheap bookbag...way to go Dad. And then it happened...he asked me..."Mom, can I have *insert overly priced fad item here*?" And I said that I could not afford it. He then said...but you have that card that dad pays child support on right? Can't we use some of that? And in that moment...I had a choice. I could do one of three things. I could lie for you and make you golden as always. I could be ugly and trite and childish. Or...I could let him make his own conclusion...and that I did. I told him that there was no money on the card. I let him ask more questions. I answered them honestly. So, he was able then to see that all these things that he has...has been from me. His clothes, his food, the things he wants and needs....all from Mom. He shook his head...and told me about the conversation YOU had with him about child support...the one where you made excuses and played the victim. I could see it all come together in his face...he figured it all out right then. And there was the question...Why? And I simply said...I don't know. You see....because ultimately, we all still wonder WHY Kevin. Why are you such a screw up? Why do you continue to do such stupid things? Why did you send your son a TEXT MESSAGE of all things telling him that you promised to be a better dad and husband...and then not so much as speak to him for WEEKS? And why...after all those weeks...was the only contact you had with him asking about a damn Playstation?? You are, by far, the most pathetic excuse for, not only a father, but a human being that has ever walked the face of this planet! You are almost 40 years old and your son acts more like an adult than you do. And God help me...but now I am feeling a slight caring for Beth. I hope she now realizes the hell that Kobe and I went through...and I hope she uses it in a positive way. I hope for her sake and the sake of her kids, that she lets this help her grow.The reason that I am writing this in conversation form is because I know that you stalk my blog. I remember getting phone calls about how I needed to stop writing about you...because you don't like being judged by your past...LMAO! Guess what shithead...it's still your present not your past. Loser. I want whoever reads this that has contact with you to relay to you just how much you are despised. To let you know that, as always, Kobe is taken care of...by ME. Always has been and ALWAYS will be. I have been mother AND father since day one. He's going to grow up and be a successful happy man and when he remembers you...he will only remember how much damage and pain you have caused.And up until this very point...I have always kept to my promise to be the better person. To never stoop to your level...but right now...for this one time...I'm going to say what I feel. I hope you get some awful disease that renders you a miserable, non-performing waste of space and then I hope you die a slow painful death. And no, I'm not exaggerating. And yes, I do mean it.

Happy Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T06:47:00.001-05:00

I have so many things to be thankful for in my life...sometimes the things that I whine about seem to overshadow them but I want to take a moment to give thanks for my many blessings.I have a family that loves me. They have given their home and help to me and my son when we needed it the most and I will forever be thankful for that.I have the best son in the world. He is by far...the most unique 15 year old I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He has the wisdom of an old man at times, the humor of a stand up comic and a big warm heart that most teens hide. He knows how to make me laugh and sometimes scream...but we are talking good things now. lolI have had the pleasure of meeting a very wonderful man. He has taken a piece of my heart as his own. It's nice to have someone that treats me the way I should be treated without any thought of wanting anything in return. He also knows how to make me smile when I dont even want to. lol I have a handful of friends that I consider family. I love them and they love me. A friend that can walk through hell with you and love you at your lowest is something special and rare...I'm lucky to have them.I have a good job...even though I complain alot about it. It pays the bills and gives me a little for my pocket. There are alot of people out there that don't have that. I'm grateful.Life is good. I am very thankful for all that I have been blessed with....So, here's to another holiday season. Not a whole bunch of deep thoughts lately. My writer's block continues...however I do know that all I really need to do is put down what's in my heart. It's not like I have an audience that I write for...lol Let me get back at it....I got a big ol' fat hen sitting in the crock pot screaming at me. She's gonna make some dang good dressing. :)) HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Most Women

2011-09-22T04:58:00.002-05:00

He says most women can't handle being with a truckdriver. He says the job and the being away is more than they can handle. I say, I'm not most women. Most women can't appreciate a man that will treat them good...because most women haven't been through the things that I have to make me appreciate a man that will treat me good. One thing that I feel like he's waiting on is for me to change. To go from my sweet and meek demeanor to a nagging bitch. I can't waste time putting on a show. I've spent too much of my life trying to be what others have wanted me to be and now, at almost 40, I have made a promise to myself that I will just be me. If he ever falls in love with me, it will be with me...as I am now and as I was that day on the beach during our first date. I mean...that's who I'm always going to be anyway, so why try to trick someone only to change later?? I've seen that happen too and it wasn't fun being the one sitting there asking..."who are you? What did you do with so-and-so?" I know that he will be gone alot. I know that I will be left to deal with things on my own alot. I also know that I'll be the one he's thinking of. I'll be the one he comes home to... like I've said before, it's about the quality of time that we will have together not the quantity of time. Quantity of time don't mean anything if you are being treated badly...I would much rather have quality time in short amounts for the rest of my life than the other option. Now, I am clingy. Yes. Most times, I can go about my day and be just fine. Sometimes I need a bit more attention...it's the way I am. I've been that way since the beginning though and I remember my sweet man saying it was okay because it lets him know that I like him. It is so much more than that now though. At first, I protected my feelings. I guarded my heart and kept it put away....but he managed to find a weak spot in the wall. Now, the wall is crumbled and I'm standing here completely vulnerable...patiently waiting to see where we go next. I'm not in a hurry and I certainly don't want to rush him...but I know in my heart, he's the one that I've been searching for my whole life. So, I guess now I have to convince him that I can handle the job. The only way I know how to do that is with time. Time to show him that while he's gone, I can be strong. Time to show him that the love I have for him will keep me warm until he comes home. Time to teach him that I'm not most women....

Kobe

2011-09-15T19:24:00.001-05:00

Kobe has decided to make his first adult decision of his life. Although it hurts, which I believe is the ultimate reason for him doing it...I didn't say the first thing to discourage him this time. In fact...I told him to go if that is what he wanted. It's time for him to see life for what it really is...and it's time for the threats to end. Hes an angry kid and he's very impressionable...so I felt like it was best to just step aside and let it happen. For now...lol I am not and will not give up custody....but it's time he sees what life with his dad and stepmom is really like instead of just the weekend excursion. It's also time for his dad to be a parent instead of a weekend babysitter. Let him have some of the fun of raising a teenager for once. lol Maybe it will be good...who knows? Maybe it will be good for everyone involved...

2011-09-15T19:19:00.002-05:00

I think I may have set a record or something. I am madly in love and haven't even uttered it to the man yet. I'm sure he knows...but it's all bottled up inside. Slow and steady...we are taking it slow and steady. At least that's what he says...so I have to believe that's what he wants. So...I keep it to myself for now. He's such a great man...like my friend, Carol, says...I've had to kiss a lot of frogs to find this prince. lol

2011-09-10T13:22:00.003-05:00

If insecurity was a person...she would be one miserable bitch of a whore.

2011-09-09T04:54:00.000-05:00

I know that it's been a while since I've written a decent post about much of anything. I've always used this blog as therapy. A way to purge the darkness and pain that I feel...and there's been nothing to purge.... I have been so happy. Peace and contentment have finally found its way into my world. It's a slow process. Neither of us seem to be in much of a hurry but if truth be told...I've fallen in love with this man. He is so sweet and kind and genuine. He is warm and caring and loving. He is handsome and funny and charming. He is an amazing man. Kobe adores him. I was afraid of what he would think after everything the two of us have been through, but he feels good about it all. He told me after we got home from vacation that he really likes Brent a lot and his parents too. That made me so happy to hear. It just feels right. That's all I can really say about it. It just feels right. I'm ready to move forward, but at the same time I don't want to pressure him any because he too has been in awful relationships that he has had to heal from. So...we continue to take our time....and I continue to love every minute of it.

2011-09-06T20:34:00.000-05:00

My heart flutters a lot these days. I seem to smile a lot these days. I worry a lot less these days. These days....are good days. Happy looks good on me :)

A New Friend

2011-07-24T17:27:00.000-05:00

I have met an incredible new friend. The past 3 weekends have been spent doing things that I totally would not be doing otherwise and I have enjoyed every single second of it. I have never met a nicer man with a nicer family. He is so very sweet and considerate...and even more so...he respects my need to take things at a snails pace. Moving slow is very very new to me and I'm learning as I go, and his patience with me is comforting in the very least and encouraging at best. I have no inflated ideas this time...I am simply taking things as they come. If nothing else, I have a special new friend. If things progress...well...he's definitely a keeper:) I have had more fun just living in the last 3 weeks than I have had in the last 3 years. I have no idea where things will go, but I have no doubt they will be incredible things along the way.

At a loss for words...

2011-06-19T20:29:00.000-05:00

I have had the desire to write, to purge, to rid myself of this story inside of me for weeks now...and I can't find the words. I have the feelings, I have the thoughts, but no words will come out of me. So, for now, the story will stay inside....I'm sure it will come out at some point when it is ready. Until then...

Thoughts on Change

2011-06-05T09:19:00.001-05:00

Change in surroundings, change in attitude, change in what is important...I have been thinking about change quite a bit lately. I think the biggest change has been in my attitude so far. I decided to no longer keep asking "why?" and to start asking "so where do I go from here?" Jimmy Buffett sings about Changes in Latitudes and Changes in Attitudes....I'm on a quest for both. I find myself, once again, at a crossroads...where I go and what happens from this point is up to me. I'm excited. I'm scared. But regardless of what happens from this point forward...I'm in control!

Peaceful Sunday Morning...

2011-05-29T10:54:00.000-05:00

I've missed these. The mornings where I can sit and think without the craziness. I need to get away from it all and collect my thoughts. Unfortunately, I can't. I'm stuck. So, I am trying to make the best of it with some peace and quiet this morning. Things are just too crazy...too stressful...too much. The one thought that I can't seem to shake is wondering what it would be like to go far away from here. Just pick up and leave...I want to badly. I know I can't, but that doesn't kill the desire. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and start fresh. No friends, no family...just a clean fresh slate to begin a brand new story on. A story that I would write for myself instead of living a story that has been written by everyone else. I think...of all things that I want, that's the one thing that I want the most.

So, an almost total stranger asks the question of the century...

2011-05-28T15:57:00.000-05:00

I did my usual splurge on my weekend to myself. I get a pedicure and I go to Margarita's for well...margaritas. There is a waiter there that always catches me and makes sure I am in his area. He's cute enough and he flirts incessantly. Today, he asked me why I am always by myself. His exact words were, "Why you always alone? You cute enough...you should not be alone always?..." I didn't know what to say. In the span of 10 seconds, I thought of so many things to say...but I have no good answer because I think the same question all the time. Why am I always alone? Now, I don't really mind going places alone, or having dinner alone, or going somewhere like Margaritas for drinks alone occassionally, but...I NEVER go out with anyone. I never get asked out on dates. Hmmm...makes me wonder what he apparently sees that no one else does...

My Boy

2011-05-09T17:34:00.000-05:00

It's still hard sometimes to see Kobe as the teenager that he is now. Sometimes, I catch myself still seeing him as the little boy that he was 4 years ago. I remember that first night in our new apartment. My parents and my friends, Tom and April, had finished moving us in and they left us there. I can see Kobe's face as he looked at me with those big blue eyes and his expression was saying..."Is this really real Mama?" We were both a little scared and a lot unsure. I did everything I could though to reassure him and help him to feel as safe and secure as I possibly could. Yesterday, on Mother's Day, it wasn't that little boy with those scared blue eyes that I saw walking towards me...it was a strong young man. He waited until no one else was around and when the coast was clear, he wrapped his arms around my neck and looked down at me (yes, I said down...he's over 6ft tall...lol) and he said in a voice way too grown up to be coming out of that face, "Thank you Mom." I asked what for, expecting the typical smart teenaged answer and with tears in his eyes he said,"everything....everything". And he gave me the biggest hug and kissed the top of my head and left me standing there in tears. The sincerity in his voice was the best gift I could have ever received for Mother's Day or any day. Those long nights, sitting up worrying about everything, not knowing how I was going to do what I needed to do, wondering if I was doing right by him, wondering if I could ever be "enough"...both mother and father....all of that was made worth it at that very moment. There isn't a piece of jewelry, a box of chocolate, or bunch of flowers that could ever compare to what I got yesterday. It only lasted 20 seconds maybe...but I will carry it in my heart for the rest of my life.

Incredibly Tired

2011-05-08T21:01:00.000-05:00

I've been very tired lately. Not only in an emotional sense but also physically. There is really no reason for it, not that I can think of anyway. I just feel exhausted all of the time. I think it may be in part to being depressed but that can't be it totally. I'm ready to have a home again. I am so tired of living out of my car...not having a place of my own to call home. I feel down all the time thinking about it. It's taking so long. I'm losing patience. I wish I could lean on someone...confide how I feel but I can't. I'm keeping it all inside....no one out there really understands anyway. It's easy to judge and give advice when you have no idea what it feels like...
I'm so lonely. I'm hurt. I'm ready for a change...

A little humor about being single, dating and relationships in general...

2011-05-01T15:07:00.002-05:00

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” - Sex in the City

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night.” - Woody Allen “Being single isn’t bad. What is bad is giving up hope on finding
that someone special.” – Anonymous

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already
three parts dead.”

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer
somewhere else.” - Mae West

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” - Billy Crystal

“I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.” - Garry Shandling

“Don’t cry for a man who’s left you, the next one may fall for your smile.”
- Mae West

“Live to love, not love to live.” - Anonymous

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” – Aristotle

“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”

“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” - Mae West

“It takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them.” - Sex and the City

“Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.”
- Anonymous

“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” - Delta Burke

“I think, therefore I’m single.”

“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”
- Anonymous

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.” - Sex in the City

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss

“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” - Lao Tzu

“A man needs a woman….well, a man needs a woman.” - Anonymous

“I’m happily single.” - Paula Abdul

“About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.”

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” - Sharon Stone

“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” - Robin Williams

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” - Rod Stewart

My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I’m going to tell her I’m dating two different guys : Mr. Duracell and Mr. Energizer.

“A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.”

Madea's Wisdom....words to live by...

2011-04-23T18:15:00.001-05:00

"Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live. A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."

"If you don't know how to be by yourself, what are you going to do with somebody else?"

I often make the mistake of getting seasonal people mixed up with the lifetime ones...

2011-04-17T07:34:00.000-05:00

I wonder how much longer will it be before I get my life back? Seems like the closer I feel I get, the more obstacles get in my way. Sometimes I feel like I'm running in place...while the world is passing me by. I'm tired and weary. I'm ready to be on my way. I'm ready to have more stability for my child. He's been through so much. The divorce, moving out on our own, changing schools, losing a good home, having a part-time dad that doesn't seem to care the least little bit about his welfare, it's been alot to deal with. He's handled it alot better than most kids would have, no doubt...but I want more for him. And he will have more. Regardless of what I or anyone else has to sacrifice to make it happen. I don't mind giving things up to make sure he has more. That's what a decent parent does.
I love my job, I hope it continues to go as well as it is. The potential to progress and move forward is there and I am looking forward to becoming indespensible.
So, I guess I have to keep moving forward even though it feels like I'm sitting still. I'll end up where I am supposed to be eventually.

2011-04-14T19:38:00.001-05:00

I'm not pretty. I have to go through a lot just to feel presentable in the mornings and even then I feel as if I am lacking.
I'm not smart. I can fake it pretty well but only because I can study up on those things that I usually end up discussing.
I don't have many friends. In fact, I can count my true friends on one hand....and for those I would kill....
I'm not rich. I struggle like most single moms on their own but my child is happy and doesn't go without.
I'm not skinny. I am chunky. I jiggle when I walk. I have cellulite in places that seem inhuman...
I'm a bit closed off emotionally. It's in response to life events and I hope it doesn't last forever.
I'm lonely and sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I know that one day I won't be...but in the meantime it hurts me and it's hard to live with at times.
I'm not perfect. I procrastinate. I laugh too loud and sometimes at the wrong time. I can be clingy when I like you. When I love...it's strong....there's no half-way with my heart.
I'm scared. I don't know what my future holds.
But, with all my faults, I'm a good woman.
I wonder when someone else will see past all my faults and see the good parts that are hidden.....

Imperfection

2011-04-08T07:59:00.000-05:00

By Elizabeth Carlson

I am falling in love
with my imperfections
The way I never get the sink really clean,
forget to check my oil,
lose my car in parking lots,
miss appointments I have written down,
am just a little late.

I am learning to love
the small bumps on my face
the big bump of my nose,
my hairless scalp,
chipped nail polish,
toes that overlap.
Learning to love
the open-ended mystery
of not knowing why

I am learning to fail
to make lists,
use my time wisely,
read the books I should.

Instead I practice inconsistency,
irrationality, forgetfulness.

Probably I should
hang my clothes neatly in the closet
all the shirts together, then the pants,
send Christmas cards, or better yet
a letter telling of
my perfect family.

But I'd rather waste time
listening to the rain,
or lying underneath my cat
learning to purr.

I used to fill every moment
with something I could
cross off later.

Perfect was
the laundry done and folded
all my papers graded
the whole truth and nothing but

Now the empty mind is what I seek
the formless shape
the strange off center
sometimes fictional
me.

This says it all :):)

Life Like a Phoenix

2011-04-02T17:28:00.003-05:00

That's what it has felt like...my life. After losing everything that I had...TWICE, and bouncing back stronger than the time before. It's incredibly symbolic to me. I'm not an ink addict. I'll probably never get another tattoo again. These two that I have though...they have meant so much to me. The pain it took to get them was cleansing. It released me from the emotional pain that was lingering in my heart from all the loss. Give me physical pain over emotional pain any day!! Physical pain only lingers for a moment and then it is gone. Emotional pain can last a lifetime if it's not dealt with properly. Hence...the reason for the tattoos. I'm beginning a new life again. One that I have fought for with blood, sweat and tears...literally. I have, however, learned so much from all the hell and drama and hurt. I have learned that I am strong. I am damn strong. I have learned that I am on my own and that it is up to me to take care of myself and my child. I no longer have any expectations when it comes to people because I know that I will be let down. I have learned to take life like a joke...sometimes it's "haha" funny, sometimes it's "omg can you believe this?" funny, and sometimes it just outright sucks. I have learned that I am so much more inside than the world has seen and only a select few people have even had a glimps of all that I am and there is alot more still hidden beneath all the scars. Whether or not I allow anyone to see that deep into my inner-most being will be based on earned trust...and not given easily at all. I have learned how to guard my heart. I certainly no longer wear it on my sleeve and it will never again have easy access. If anyone gets close to my heart, it will be because they have earned that with trust and time. Because of my past, others will have to pay the price unfortunately...but I am worth it. I am worth the effort. I am worth the time. And I am worth waiting for.... So, once again in my life...I have gone through hell and come out the other side. I have risen from the ashes and aside from a blister or two on the old ass...I am better than ever. So, I have my Phoenix. I love her. And...I love me.

It was all worth it

2011-03-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

I had that moment today. That moment where all the hurt, all the pain, all the tears and all the darkness was worth going through. Kobe said that he was talking to a family friend and during that conversation...she said that I was her hero. Me. Through all of these many hells that I have experienced, I wanted some part of it to touch someone else...to help someone in someway. Knowing that a young girl has seen this and has taken notice to the way I have carried myself and pressed through the trouble and has given thought to how she can use it herself has made it all worth it. I would go through this ten times over just to hear those words again. "She said you were her hero Mom..." I cried. It made me feel so...relieved. It wasn't in vain. That has made all the difference to me. I hope she can take this and use it and it helps her to make better decisions and avoid all the wrong turns and dead ends that I have experienced. Thank you.

2011-03-27T19:03:00.001-05:00

Taking it easy...waiting for a sign....

2011-03-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

So, I'm presently doing something that I have never succeeded at doing before...I am patiently waiting. I'm used to the waiting part, not so used to the patient part. lol I am waiting for signs. Signs to tell me which direction to take. Do I go forward? Do I retrace my steps and make a turn on a path that I may have passed? Or do I sit here along side this lonely road and wait some more? Maybe I'm on the wrong road all together. Who knows? I sure don't. That's why I am waiting for a sign. Something will tell me what my next step should be. Atleast, that's what a friend says. He said that I will know whether this is something that is for me or something that I should run from. So, I patiently wait. I wait to see if what I WANT is what is actually meant for me. I wait to see if there is more to this picture than what I can see right now. I wait, and that's a good thing because waiting means I'm safe. Safe means I don't hurt as bad.

My wish upon a star...

2011-03-23T21:27:00.002-05:00

While I was out walking my dog just now, I saw a falling star. It was beautiful and fleeting...and I made my wish. God and everyone else in my life knows that I've been rather belligerent in my attitudes towards faith and the reasons for why things have happened the way they have happened. However, I made my wish anyway. For one tiny moment, I tossed aside the doubt and the contentiousness and I let my heart tell God what I want. So now He knows :)... and now that I am back inside, away from the stars and the beauty of the night, my mind of course is telling my heart how foolish it was to even waste the time uttering outloud into the darkness the one wish that I wish. But for just one moment...I enjoyed that hope...that young girl that still believes in fairytales is still inside somewhere and I do believe she got to that wish before the bitter old woman did :) Maybe just once in my life, a wish will come true. Maybe just once...that little girl can have what her heart desires and prove to my head that every so often...wishes do come true. Maybe...just once...

An "update" of sorts...

2011-03-21T04:44:00.000-05:00

So, the good news is that I have a great job now. It's everything that I had been wanting....good hours, great money, good people to work for and with. So that means things are looking up a bit now. I can begin building my savings back up a bit and the "starting over" can begin again....for the last time.
As for everything else, it seems I am still in limbo. I guess not everything can be perfect. There's so much more I would like to say here, but I must keep it all to myself. It doesn't help me work through my feelings any, but somethings are just better left unsaid I suppose.
Oh well...c'est la vie!!

Wine

2011-03-12T21:56:00.000-05:00

I am in a pretty hot love affair with Horsecreek Big Red.

Eh...I feel a real mood coming on.

2011-03-05T12:19:00.000-05:00

Not in a good mood. Haven't been for days now. I'm lonely. I'm worried. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm broke. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm miserable. I'm angry. I'm fed up. I'm in a rut and I can't get out. I'm pissy as hell seeing the people who have done me wrong living the high-life while I still suffer. Yeah, there...I said it. The truth is out. It pisses me off. Frankly, I'm sick as hell of hearing "everything happens for a reason...it will all work out". Really? I don't believe that. I don't believe for one second that everything happens for a reason. If so....what FUCKING reason could be behind all the shit that is currently upon my shoulders. What REASON is there for my son to be essentially father-less, for me to be jobless and for the both of us to be homeless? Explain the damn "reason" behind that will ya? Explain to me the reason why all of this shit is happening to us while others can skip out on their responsiblities to their child or turn their heads to the suffering that they themselves caused. No, I don't believe for one second that there are any reasons behind it all. Because if there is...then that means God let this happen. It takes a cruel one to allow all of this. It means God is somewhere watching all of this and ALLOWING my child to be without a father and a home. So, is God really a cruel jokester? Hmm? No, I don't believe He is. I think, He's turned His back on me just like everyone else has. That's what I think. I think...God gave up on me just like I gave up on Him. I'm no longer expecting anything from anyone anymore. When my life gets back on track...it will be because I made it happen. I can't wait on a God that is too busy for me anyway. And if shitheads like the men in my life can have their heart's desires even though they lack integrity and compassion and can't do the right thing with anything...then why can't I? Why put forth so much effort to even give a damn anymore?

Self-help Cheap-at-Home Therapy....Session 2: More Problems.

2011-02-20T19:20:00.001-05:00

Oh my goodness...the loneliness is really getting to me now. This is a dangerous time for me. This is when I am at my most vulnerable. I want to be held. I want to feel loved and wanted. I want so badly to curl up in a pair of warm, strong arms and fall asleep. That's the best sleep in the world you know...the sleep that comes when you feel the safest. I feel safe in a man's arms. As silly as it sounds, especially now that it's men that are my primary problem...it's true. The best sleep I ever had in my life was when I fell asleep in Terry's arms. I'm all weepy and crying tonight. I'm really tired of feeling so lonely all the time and being stuck here in a place where nothing can really be done about it. I can't just pick up and go see friends, because they are in a different town and I'm here in hell. I mean...Moultrie. I hate feeling this way and being that I have no outlet...I turn to food. UGH!! This sucks.

Self-help Cheap-at-Home Therapy....Session 1: The Problem.

2011-02-19T07:26:00.000-05:00

You see, the problem is this: I tend to make the men who find their way into my life PRIORITIES and they simply make me an OPTION. That speaks volumes...not only about the kind of men I choose to allow in my life, but also my lack of self respect and worth. I can't really elaborate on this any more because it is so simple and so straight to the point. It truly is the root of all my problems. I will no longer simply be someone's option...that means that they think eventually something better will come along. No more options.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-13T20:01:00.000-05:00

As much as I would like to write a bitter post about Valentine's day....I won't. I could...but I won't. And although I feel like I should be bitter, in all honesty, I'm not...not really. I'm a bit sad, but only because I have no one special to hold and love. I'm a bit lonely, but that's ok because I've come to accept that as a part of my future. I wish all of my married and unsingle (could that be a word??) friends a very happy Valentine's Day. May you realize how truly blessed you are to have someone in your life to share every moment with. May you love them more than you love yourselves. May you never ever take them or their presence in your life for granted. My prayer for you is that the person you are with on this Valentine's is the same person you are with for every one from now until the day you pass on. I pray you never have to spend a single night crying because the emptiness in your bed is only a fraction of the emptiness in your heart. I hope you feel the love that is shared between you and your partner grow everyday and is never diminished by pettiness or selfishness. Celebrate every day like it is Valentine's...laugh when you feel like yelling, hug when you feel like pushing away, and never miss a chance to say I Love You...
I love you all very much.
I can't wait for the cheap chocolate on Tuesday!! :):)

Purging

2011-02-06T11:36:00.000-05:00

All things negative have been purged from my life. It's a liberating feeling to say the least. Before me is an opportunity to begin a new life on my own terms. The possibilities are endless. I can't even begin to put into words what I'm feeling. I would love to just leave, but I can't because of Kobe...but I can dream. Dream of hitting that road and never looking back...finding a place where I can settle in with no baggage, no hang-ups, no leftovers....everything all fresh and new. Maybe one day...but until then, I can still start over. I just have to walk around the baggage, ignore the hang-ups and throw out the leftovers. lol Life is still good. In fact, it has the potential to be better than ever. It's really up to me now...

2011-01-29T23:42:00.002-05:00

I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all....
Really? Is that why I continue to do things that somehow must include him? I'm torturing myself. All I could think about tonight is what it would feel like to feel his arms around me...or his lips touch my face....
Would I really rather feel pain just to see him and feel him and have him with me...even if only for a few minutes. Why does life have to be this way? I think, as I have been told, that I am missing the "idea of him" rather than the actual person. In my mind, I'm missing the things that were all fake to begin with. We never had a perfect relationship, we were never so totally in love that I was all he ever thought about, he pushed me away more than he drew me close, he wasn't faithful, he wasn't feeling, he was cold and hard...so it must the idea of what I wanted in my head that I am missing...but I never really had it to begin with, so....how can I miss it???? He's good looking and charming and that is attractive to me. I find that when I look at him, I'm still physically attracted to him when I shouldn't be. I need to remind myself when I see that I am focusing on touching him that he's pretty much touching everyone he can and he did the entire time I was with him. I must keep my head in reality instead of falling into that imaginary world where I had the perfect man and somehow *I* messed up and let him go. That's not the way it went down and in reality, I was in alot of pain during our time together. Remember all the tears shed over all the ladies...the phonecalls, the texts...the gut feelings that proved to be true. Think about it. I need to think about how it felt when I found out about all the women he had been with during our time together. Miss him much now? Yeah, so instead of writing a blog I wrote to myself. Get over it....I do this for me not for you. lol I cried last night and I was hurting bad. Thanks again to my dear friends, the tears stopped and I was able to see through the fog of pain long enough to realize that I am ok and will be....yeah, I'm lonely. Sometimes the loneliness is bigger than I can handle, but I have friends that help me hold it together until it passes on by. If not for them, and Kobe...well...I would be a mess for sure.
So, would I rather hurt than feel nothing at all....
Yeah, but not in that way. I want to feel it change from hurt to happiness. I guess time and God are the only things that can do that....

Something bigger than myself

2011-01-23T17:38:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling restless lately. My mind has been wondering and I've been feeling a slight pull backwards. Like sadness is trying work it's way back into my life. I've been fighting it, trying not to focus on all the negative but sometimes I just give in and can't help but feel sorry for myself. I felt the need to get away and I really wanted to see the ocean. There was just something inside of me that needed to hear the waves, smell the saltwater in the air and see it in all it's greatness. I think I needed to see something bigger. Something bigger than me, bigger than my little world, something bigger than all my problems and negativity. It seemed to work. I sat there and listened...not only to the waves but to my heart. I let it all out right there. I told the sea everything that I needed to say outloud but can't...not even to my closest friends. It listened. It didn't judge me. It didn't even mock me. It just kept moving. I left it all there. I feel somewhat better now. I know I'll still have my moments but if it ever gets to the point it was at before, well....I'll just have to go on another road trip. It's cheaper than therapy and Zoloft.

Where are my quiet Sunday mornings...

2011-01-16T07:41:00.000-05:00

You know me well enough by now to know that I cherish my Sunday mornings. I miss them terribly. Getting up while the world is still asleep. Drinking coffee while listening to the sound of the silence all around me. I miss all of it and I long to have that peace back. It shouldn't be long...atleast that is what I keep telling myself. I hope at the very latest it is mid-February when I move. I need my peace, quiet and privacy so badly. This house is always so busy. There is always someone here and they are always needing to know something..."are you ok?", "have you heard from Terry?", "are you sure you're ok?", "how is Kobe?".....and it goes on and on and on...plus, when you move back in with your parents at any age...they take back the role of the parent, or they atleast try to. If I hear one more time what I need to do or how I need to do whatever (and this is usually in reference to my child) I will most certainly scream. I'm a pretty smart woman. I'm not here because of irresponsibility or sorriness. I'm here because life dealt me a bad hand. I still have the sense to take care of my child and myself. Besides, we just changed dealers at this table and I'm pretty sure my luck will change this time around.
So, I guess it will be awhile before I can write another quiet Sunday morning post. Hopefully not too long though...

More on renewed life...

2011-01-09T07:49:00.001-05:00

I feel like I'm finally beginning to come out of the fog. I'm seeing things more clearly than I have been seeing them over the past several months. I have an opportunity to begin again. To have the life that I have always dreamed of having. I have a chance to start clean. I have been thinking on this a lot lately and I have come to the conclusion that Terry did me a huge favor by letting me go. Rebirth, renewed life...it's right here at my fingertips....waiting for me to make it what I will. This is something many women who find themselves unhappy and stuck never get. I will be doing myself and my son a disservice if I fail to take full advantage of this opportunity. So, take advantage I will. I will make sure that this time...happiness stays. I will find us a home and we will stay there. I will provide everything we need and some of the things we want...and I will do it without the assistance a man. When my son thinks back on this time, when he is recalling all of this..telling his children stories of his own childhood...he will see me as a strong woman and an able provider. He will be proud of me. He will know that his mom went through hell, however, out of those flames rose a woman stronger and wiser and determined to do whatever it takes to make a great life for him. I got my butterfly yesterday...symbolic of my rebirth. Soon, I'll get my phoenix...symbolic of my ascent from those flames. I am a beautiful, intelligent woman with a heart that my body cannot contain. I have a passion inside of me that is so fierce, I truly believe it scares others at times. I have desires that no one could ever fullfill. I snort when I laugh and sometimes I laugh at the wrong time. I'm plump and soft and curvy and **I** find that sexy. I trust too easy and love too much. I give of myself more than I take from others. I love who I am. I love me regardless of whether you do or not. I love my mind, I love my body and I love the spirit inside. I will never again find myself wondering where I am lacking when someone decides I am no longer what they want. I lack nothing....

Alittle change is good....

2011-01-08T16:52:00.004-05:00

I've wanted this since my divorce. I finally decided it was time. The beginning of alot of changes...

A butterfly...renewal of the mind, body and spirit.

My first thing to cross off my bucket list. :)

On feeling pretty

2011-01-06T19:56:00.000-05:00

Today I felt so pretty. Focusing on myself and not some undeserving man really helps. I take more time for me. I spend more time getting ready...paying attention to the little details. Yeah...today I felt good. The hair was right, the makeup was pretty, the clothes fit my curves just right....it felt good on the inside and it showed on the outside. Yep...let's see if I can do it again tomorrow :)

2010..so long, farewell....

2010-12-29T21:28:00.000-05:00

I am so ready for this year to be over and done with. I can't even begin to tell you how badly I need a fresh start. This past year was a bust. A big fat waste of time, to say the least. I spent the first part of the year planning a wedding that was never going to happen and the second half of the year compromising my needs and desires to hang on to a man that never deserved me. I gave it everything I had, but ultimately...(and this is a lesson for everyone)...you can't love/help/change/save someone that doesn't want it. Another lesson I learned is that love doesn't mean anything. It doesn't matter how much you love someone or how much they love you...it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. That love will not keep a person faithful. That love will not make a person treat you right. That love will not ensure that the truth is always told. This year has ended with me and my child homeless. I am so much more jaded and cynical that I ever thought I would be. The perfect example of that being...I had a nice chat with my very first serious boyfriend last night. It was alright to talk and catch up but the entire time...in the back of my mind...I was thinking, "What in the world is he up to?" He wants to get together and have dinner or something and I'm just not so sure I'm into it. There have been (surprisingly enough) several instances just as that one. Before, I would have been all for going out with anyone...just to get out and have fun. Now...not so much. I feel the need to devote this next year to myself. I need to analyze my heart and mind and do the necessary changes that will ensure that anything like this past year never happens again. This next year will be the year for me to become the person I want to be and to hell with what everyone else wants me to be. Yeah, alittle selfishness will definitely be needed next year. I 've made a few promises to myself too and I plan on keeping them:
- I will only change the things about me that I don't like. I will never again cater to anyone else.
- I will never again give trust to anyone (especially a man) freely. You must jump through some seriously tough hurdles if you want to gain my trust. If it's too much work for you...see ya bye.
- I will accomplish atleast one thing on my bucket list this year.
- I will not seriously date anyone at all this next year. I need to be single.
I just feel like these are things that I need to make me a better me and to help prevent any future heartache. So, yeah...this year was a total bust. 2011 MUST have something incredible in store for me!

Kobe has gone from being an awkward teenager to a full-blown man-child!! He's now 6'3" and is as handsome as ever. I'm not in anyway biased either...lol. Through all of this chaos, he has managed to keep his grades up and his spirits high as well. He keeps me laughing and in good spirits too. He's always been my rock. For this child to have gone through all the things that he has, to be as good and stable as he is, is just wonderful and a blessing for me. I was blind to a lot of things that were dumped on him over the past couple of years and I hate that I didn't see it before. He's managed to maintain the character that everyone adores. He's funny, smart, caring and compassionate. He's more grown that I want to freely give him credit.

So, goodbye 2010! You sucked. We look forward to your passing and also to the upcoming year. I can't say that I will miss you at all...

Self-hatred in its purest form

2010-12-20T18:42:00.000-05:00

Loathing, detestation, hostility, animosity...those are things that shouldn't be turned inward on one's self. It's awful, horrible feelings that feel like venomous rage running through my veins. I'm disgusted with myself on a level that I've never experienced before. I remember being bigger than this, but I don't remember feeling this much hate or this much disgust. I've thought about this all day. The way I looked in those pictures embarassed me badly. I am totally humiliated and knowing that others have seen them is killing me. I hate it. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I have this rage inside of me that's just building and building and I can't let it out and I can't make it go away. I can't stand to be around anyone. I don't want to be in the same room at home with anybody. I try, but ultimately I end up locking myself away in my old bedroom. Everything is irritating me. Everything is causing this rage to get bigger and bigger and right now it's a hot painful ball stuck in my throat like a scream trying to escape but unable to. I'm sick of everything...my family, my job, myself. This is so much bigger than just a self image issue. I'm sick to death of life.

I've been wearing beer goggles when I get ready in the mornings...

2010-12-20T06:25:00.001-05:00

It's funny really...the human eyes can lie to you. I have been feeling pretty all this time and just seen a picture taken of me Friday night...I'm disgusting and fat and ugly. Talk about a buzz kill. I've never been so humiliated in all my life. I started to ask my friend to take the photos off of her page but instead I'm going to use them for motivation. I've never felt so down and horrible about myself in a very long time! How could I see one thing and reality be something else? I honestly do not see what is in those pictures when I look in the mirror. How awful...

I got to see the boys!!! AND...my vent on men....

2010-12-12T09:53:00.000-05:00

So, I found enough courage in me yesterday evening to call Terry and make plans to go to his place to see Alex and Eli. It was so nice to see them! Alex was a bit standoff-ish....but I expected that from him. I'm sure he's overheard quite a bit of nonsense talk from grownups and probably just does not know what to think. That's ok though...he's a child and I love him dearly. Eli was as cute as ever and it felt so good to hear his little voice tell me that he loves me. All-in-all it was just what I needed. I needed to see the kids. It did my heart good, especially after the crap I've had to deal with previously in the week:
I'm so sick of men. All of them...and I'm not even referring to just my ex at this point. It just seems like when a woman genuinely tries to be a friend to a man it gets all turned around and they just can't let it be what it is without adding in a lot of bullshit. Maybe isolating myself isn't such a bad idea after all. I'm sick of being baited by friendship only to have it turn out to be yet another attempted conquest. It's getting old and frankly speaking if I have to lower myself to being with the creeps and slimeballs that approach me like that...then I'm better off just writing men off totally (which, by the way, is a possibility...) A single woman isn't necessarily a desperate woman. And smooth talk will only get you so far. Telling a lady she deserves so much more than what's been handed to her and then propositioning her with cheap sex is a bit of a turnoff if there ever was one. I'm not desperate enough for any of it. I have needs but they can certainly be met without lowering my standards or my expectations. Hell...they can even be met without having a man around at all...so why should I even bother?! I mean really?? What makes men so special anyway? They have a penis. Well big freakin' whoop!!! Guess what? I found a pretty neat one online for $135.00 and it doesn't cheat, talk or have an opinion! It's even rechargeable!! So really...what purpose will having a man serve me? I can't have any more children. I can open jars on my own. I'm going to live in an apartment so I don't really need one to cut the grass. Emotionally...they really do nothing for me anymore. All I can do is sit around and wait on them to break my heart. So why even do that? HMMM? That's right! There is no answer is there? I didn't think so. So, no...I will not let you "comfort me". I will not "show you what my ex is missing out on". I will not "use you like I've been used". I won't "have revenge sex" with you. No I will not let you "help me forget him". Yes, these are all the lines that have been thrown my way over the last few weeks. Sick and pathetic huh? Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. The more I get to know men...the more I love my dog.

Songs...the ones that meant something

2010-12-07T14:58:00.000-05:00

I love music. I can be carried away by a song. Moments take place and they are captured by a song. There are songs that were special to me while I was with Terry that have become damn near impossible to listen to because of all the memories they conjure up. I want my music back. So, here's my attempt to work through it all. As with every other post...there is a reason behind it, an attempt at therapy and self-healing. This is no different.

Kings of Leon: Use Somebody.

It was right after we began seeing each other. We were in his truck and he said he wanted to play a song for me. He said it was exactly what he felt about me....I can see what he was wearing. I can hear his words in my head. I can feel the touch of his hand as he reached for mine. I see his crooked smile and the light in his eyes as he realized he had me....at that moment...I was captured.

Jason Mraz: I'm Yours

He played this song one day on our way back from taking the boys home. We were on I75 and he put in a cd...this played. I knew that if we were to ever get married, that this would be the song for that occasion. When he made me believe that we would get married on our beach vacation, I played this song no less than 20 times a day. It made me smile in my heart. I can see him when he took my face in his hands and told me his plans of marriage....yeah.

Bob Seger: Like A Rock

One day, at home, we were just listening to music when this song played. He started singing and it was one of only two times that I ever caught a glimps of his heart and emotion. It meant a lot to me.

Jonny Lang: Lie to Me

We enjoyed listening to this when we were in the kitchen together cooking and having fun with each other...

KT Tunstall: Black Horse in a Cherry Tree

I enjoyed watching him watch this video...:)

Rick Ross: The Boss

lol...yeah, I know...but it was played often :)

Akon/Eminem: Smack That

This makes me smile...He and Kobe listened to this a lot. Both dancing around and being silly. It makes me sad that Kobe has lost that....

So, these are the songs that I hear and have had to turn off the radio. I hope that by forcing myself to listen to them and write about them (and so many others...) that I can begin enjoying my music again.

Nikada

2010-12-02T21:10:00.001-05:00

Of those that I do trust, I have two friends that have been by my side since...forever. I remember the first time I met them and I have loved them dearly ever since. Tom and April have been there for me through everything that life has thrown my way. Without them, I would probably be dead or in prison. They spent the better part of the afternoon today telling me to never say never (refering to my abolition of men and dating and even entertaining the thought of a future with another man). I've been thinking about it all evening. I have truly, in my heart and soul, given up on men. I am done to put it simply. They are worried about me isolating myself...and I can understand that. I've no intention of giving up on my friends. I love them. But the thought of being lonely is really ok with me. In fact, I am comfortable saying that I prefer it now. You see...I may end up lonely, but I will be lonely and pain-free. I will never have to feel the sting of tears when my heart is breaking. I will never again have to go through the transition of getting used to an empty bed. I will never have to cry myself to sleep over the pain of losing love. It really is preferable at this point in my life to just be single. I will never again allow myself to be put in a situation to feel the pain that comes with loving a man. So, as awful as it sounds....I am saying never. Jamais. ποτέ. Nunca. 決して.

I love you guys. Thank you.

That pesky trust thing...

2010-12-02T10:26:00.001-05:00

Seems like lately, I'm questioning the sincerity of everyone. When someone shows concern, I automatically wonder what their agenda could be. What is it that they want? Are they trying to set me up? You see...I have true friends. They are the ones that I speak with atleast daily...but more often than not...numerous times a day. They contact me to talk...not just to find out what the latest news is...but just to talk about anything other than that. My trust in people has been damaged to the point that I feel like anyone other than those very few people are up to something. There are a few people who have shown concern but I have my doubts after hearing bits and pieces of goings on. I think it may be time to clean out my closet. Time to toss aside anyone that I have any doubts about, anyone I believe has a hidden agenda. And I know there are those out there that have them. Either they are men that know I am single and vulnerable...they are looking for easy sex. I can say to you right now though...if you are one of them, you are looking in the wrong place. I have no desire at all to even be touched by the opposite sex...much less anything else. After an innocent hug from a man recently, I got sick and threw up. I couldn't get the feel of his arms off of me and it made me so nauseated that I just couldn't calm down and I became sick to my stomach. Whatever this has done to me, it's something I don't see going away anytime soon. There are a few that are associated with him. They are acting like friends to me. They are showing concern. I have that gut feeling about them though...the same kind that I had about him. That leads me to believe they are up to no good. Both men and women in that respect...I have no idea why...but I just feel like, in some way, I am being set up. But as with him and that situation... the truth has a way of coming out. If you are one of those people and you are going back and forth between he and I, then know that eventually I will find out. So, I am weary of confiding anything to these people and have been vague at best. And then there is this kindness coming from him. He is being nice. He has made no effort to be ugly to me in weeks. And I even question that. I would love to believe that it's sincere, but after all the lies and hurt...I can't believe anyone about anything. So I'm constantly questioning everything that everyone does. It sucks really bad to feel like I can't trust anyone. I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again. Not completely. Can you imagine that feeling?? Knowing that no matter how good things may get...I will always question. I will always doubt. And that...in a nutshell...is the worst injury of this whole damned situation. My trust in human-kind is destroyed.

Time for a feel good post...

2010-11-27T20:05:00.002-05:00

It's time for something positive. It's past time actually. Thanks to prayer, friends and my writing...my heart is well on it's way to being healed. I've had so many people helping me, counseling me, praying for me...and just plain listening to me that I've had no alternative other than to become stronger. So today, without a doubt in my mind...I can honestly say that I don't miss him at all. Not even the tiniest little bit actually. Funny how that happens.
So today, I'm writing something positive. Monday begins my NEW ME challenge. I'm going to pick back up where I left off before...it. I'm going to begin training for my 5k again. I have to start from the very beginning but I believe I can do it. I've done it once. I'm going to get back on my health kick. I'm going to start taking care of me. I'm going to begin learning how to love ME again. I'm excited....It's a whole new beginning....

2010-11-26T18:30:00.000-05:00

lol...yep

Giving Thanks...

2010-11-24T06:29:00.000-05:00

Even with all that is wrong at this point in my life, I still have so many reasons to give thanks. I am thankful that my God is real and believes more in me than I believe in myself. I am thankful for my child. Without Kobe, I would be so lost. He is a great boy and will grow to be an amazing man. I am thankful for my mom and dad. They have taken me and Kobe in without hesitation, given us a place to stay for as long as we need and is loving us to death :) They are great and without them we would be in a world of hurt. I am so very thankful for my friends. I have found out who my true friends are...they are the ones that came to me when it all hit the fan and asked "what can I do?" They are the ones that still ask me if there is anything that they can do for me and Kobe. They call me when they feel like I may need someone to talk to...just because they got a feeling. They are the ones that send me text messages at all hours just to let me know that I am loved. I am, without a doubt, the most blessed woman in the world. To have so many people who love me when I feel so unlovable is amazing to me. Yeah, I've lost alot this year, but I still have my most valuable treasures...those who love me.

Letter to him...

2010-11-21T11:12:00.003-05:00

There are still things left unsaid on my part and it seems that I can't get those things out when we talk because...well...you like to debate things too much and I just need to say these things without having you interrupt me.
You've tried your best to put on a front of being an upstanding man during all of this. You've forbidden me to speak to your family or your friends...not because it's "just weird" like you were saying, but because you didn't want any stories being shared either way. You never wanted me to know the truth about you and you certainly didn't want your family and friends to know that all the things you were telling them were all lies. The truth has a way of coming out though. True colors can't be disguised and eventually...the world sees. I've seen you for what you really are. It's not cruel to say these things. You have lied. You have cheated. YOU destroyed a family. You knew from the very beginning that you would break every promise that you made to me and my son. Everyone else seemed to know it too. Once again, I found myself being the last one to know. But, as with all other things in my life, it's made me stronger and wiser. They say hind-sight is perfect and it is. As I look back on the last two years, I see where my instincts were dead on. You knew...all those times that we argued over you and your "friendships" with all of those nasty whores you just had to have in your life...you knew that I was dead on but you denied it. You denied it and you turned it all around. You made ME the one with the problem. You made ME the one that was causing all of the disruptions in our relationship. You convinced me that I needed help. You knew that you were never going to be faithful to me and yet you became offended when I worried.
You dumped financial responsibility on me knowing that you were doing things with OUR money and lying to me about it. When things went wrong...of course you placed blame at my feet because you had completely absolved yourself of any and all responsibility. You told your family that I spent all of the money. Yet, you were the one with the new tools. You were the one buying new fishing things. You were the one taking money out at the register at work and making some lame excuse as to what it was for...when I KNEW that it was either for one of your bitches or for your extra curricular activities. But, you still found it necessary to tell your family that I was the reason we never had money. What did you ever see me buy? Nothing. Well...neither did they. And they know the truth. You see...with all of the stories and the lies...the truth is still out there because everyone knows. Everyone that knows you...well...they know you. They may not admit it to you but anyone in their right mind can see. They know. The world knows. But...most importantly...I know. I know now that I never had a problem other than denial. I didn't listen to my gut when I KNEW something wasn't right. Frankly speaking, you played me. And, well...I guess I'm going to take some responsibility for that too because I fell for it head first. You have good game and you scored a big one with me. It cost me dearly but I'm strong and I will make my way back to where I want to be in time.
As for the possessions, I want to make it clear that you didn't con me into getting your way. I knew the day after that you couldn't do anything to hurt me. You see...I know people too. I did, however, make a promise to myself that I would be the better person coming out of this and I will do that. I'm better because unlike you, I haven't told the first lie about you, nor have I said the first derrogatory thing about you to my family. Not even after your ugliness and tempertantrum when I went home and claimed my things. I can only imagine the things being said about me, but again, it's insignificant because people know the truth. Not only that, but I know and in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter to me what anyone thinks except for my child. He's going to look back on this and several things are going to stick out to him. The way I carried myself and stood strong and made sure that I acted like an adult being one. The other...he knows how NOT to treat a woman. He knows the value of real love and he will never settle for less like his mother did. So for that, I guess I can thank you. I can thank you for being an example of what not to be.
I know that you will never admit to lying to me and you will always defend any and every thing that you've done or said. I know you well enough to know that. I also know at this point...that too is insignificant. With all of the hurt and anger, I know at some point for me to heal, I will have to forgive you. I know I can because I've forgiven others...but there are somethings that I just don't know how or if I can forgive. I don't think I can ever forgive you for hurting Kobe, Alex and Eli. You may not think that your sons will hurt, but they will. Your actions will hurt them, not only on an emotional level because they are losing people they love and who love them, but because at some point they will see also. Do you really want them growing up and behaving the way you have? Kobe hurts too. He hurts because you sat him down when we first got together and you promised him that we would be a family and that you would never hurt me. You broke those promises. You think I have said negative things about you to him to make him angry...no, I've only listened to what he's had to say. He loved you like a dad...you destroyed that. You and your selfishness destroyed a family. You brought me and Kobe into a family with your sons and then you snatched us apart. For that....I will never forgive you.
Do I think we are better off? Eventually, yes we will be. Because, like I said, hind-sight has shown me that no matter how hard I would have tried...you were hell-bent on destroying us. So yes, I am better off.
Finally, I want to thank you. Thank you for making me stronger. Without this experience, I would be just as naive and gullible as I was the day we met. Thank you for proving to me that the only man that I will ever be able to trust is my daddy. Thank you for making me more jaded and cynical. Because that will keep me from ever being hurt again. Most of all...thank you for showing me that I am worthy of so much more than life has given me and that I will be the one to see to it that I have it all. I will never again rely on a man to give me anything....especially happiness.
I've said all the things that I've needed to say. I don't expect these words to do any good, change anything, or make you feel any certain way. I simply wanted them outside of me. I hope in time, I can look back and at least see something good that was part of our time together but right now...all I see are regrets. I pray that changes.
Teresa

Feeling Stronger...and...well....this says it all.

2010-11-18T19:22:00.001-05:00

Let's be honest for a moment

2010-11-16T18:17:00.000-05:00

Today, my co-worker got some bad news. A lady she knew all her life was found dead in her home. From the looks of it, it was from natural causes...usually when I hear of things like that, I feel a swell of emotion for the ones who knew them. The family, the friends...the people left behind to hurt. This time however...I felt...envy. For a split second, I wished I was that young lady. I felt guilty after I noticed what I was thinking...but I must be honest. The feeling was there. I wished it had been me. I've been in a foul mood ever since. Knowing that tomorrow I have to start this hell all over again. There will never be a moments peace. No privacy, no happiness, no relief from this ball of fire and pain in the pit of my stomach. I'm tired of the pity party and the negativity but for the life of me, I can't find a way out.

Just when I think I'm all cried out

2010-11-15T19:52:00.000-05:00

Here come the tears. I'm so sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling weak and lonely. I found myself on the receiving end of some flirting today. Something that should have brought a smile to my face or at the very least, a little butterfly in the tummy, made me feel dirty and disgusted. Then, after I thought about it for a while, I got sad all over again. I've allowed my joy to be taken from me. I use to get alot of joy out of the opposite sex. Now, all I feel is a wave of nausea. Compliments are met with bitter doubt now. All I can think is "what are they wanting to be saying something like that to me"?? And to be touched??? Don't even think about it! I can't even stand the thought. I used to love being touched. I thrived on it really. Now...I just want to crawl away. I want to be left alone. I want to not feel anything...no emotion, no touch, no....anything. I'm so tired of all of this. And you want to know the most pitiful part of the whole danged thing? I bet he hasn't shed the first tear. I bet he hasn't felt the first sad emotion. I bet he hasn't given one thought about how Kobe is doing. I bet he just goes about his business like I was nothing more than a damned pitstop. I'm sitting here crying like a baby and I bet he's just living it up. I feel weak when I want to be strong. I feel sad when I want to be happy. I feel hopeless when I want to be hopeful. I feel stuck when I should feel free.

The Truth

2010-11-14T11:19:00.000-05:00

It's funny really...how everyone knew the truth the whole time but me. I think, deep down, I knew. Denial can convince anyone of anything I guess. It convinced me that it was real. I know from this point on, everything I hear, see, feel or experience will be met with trepidation and distrust. That's ok though. I've always been one to put too much faith in others. No more of that though. My walls are built much stronger this time. Even Superman couldn't get over these mothers. lol

A bit more....

2010-11-13T06:25:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little stronger, a little wiser, and little more hopeful about my future. Now that I'm well and can think clearly, I'm seeing things for what they were. I truly am better off now. One-sided relationships never work and are horribly unfair. I'm seeing the future as an adventure now. One that will be full of excitement and happiness for me and my son. It's just me and him now. I don't care if I ever have a partner again and if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't think I will ever trust anyone enough to ever give it a try again. The only thing that I am missing is the physical part of a relationship and that's easily fixed. I was missing that part in this past relationship anyway so it really is nothing new. I can manage just fine. My first goal is to get back to Tifton and get a home. After that, things will naturally fall into place I'm sure. I'm excited really.
I've stopped my medications. No more Zoloft or Trazadone. I'm doing well too. Go figure :)

The List

2010-11-10T18:29:00.002-05:00

After all the pain, drama, and negativity...I wanted to post something with some sort of positive vibe. I lay in bed at night and think of all the things that I could have done with the two previous wasted years of my life. I'm thinking I need to focus on the things that I want to do with the time I have left. Maybe it will also help me to focus on living more and less on trying to figure a way out of it. So...here are the things that I want to do before I kick the proverbial bucket (I reserve the right to add to this when I feel like it lol):

1: I want be financially stable and have a savings account so incredibly huge that I will never worry about money when I am older.

2: Visit Colorado. (I've wanted to do this since I was a teenager.)

3: Design, build and decorate the home of my dreams and pay cash for the whole darn thing.

4: Graduate from college

5: Open my own restaurant

6: See Kobe become a well-rounded and highly educated man.

7: Sing in a public place without the assistance of alcohol.

8: Meet Eric Clapton and listen to him sing Wonderful Tonight to me...

9: Get a phoenix tattoo. God knows I've risen from the ashes enough in my life to justify it.... (phoenix butterfly on 1/8/2011)

10: Spend a day on a nude beach laughing and pointing at all the men.

11: Spend a summer eating my way through Italy.

12: Learn to swim. Yeah that's right....I don't know how.

13: Conquer my fear of spiders, darkness and people

14: Make a difference in somebody's life

15: Learn to play the guitar.

16: Take an art class

17: Run a 5k

18: Cook dinner with Alton Brown

19: Spend a summer in Sonoma Valley drinking wine.

20: Dive naked into a vat a warm chocolate. (yeah, I know..lol)

21: Buy a classic car and restore it MYSELF.

22: Adopt a daughter

23: Stand at the checkout in a store on Christmas Eve and pay for everyone's purchases that go through the line

24: Open a women's shelter

25: Go deep sea diving

26: See all 7 wonders of the world

27: Volunteer with Big Brothers/Big Sisters

28: Buy a home for another single mom

29: Go on a date with Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs....lol

30: Get up one morning, get in my car and drive to destination unknown. Come back a week later.

31: Work on a ranch out west.

32: Hike the Appalachian Trail

33: Live in Montana

34: Write a chart-topping song

35: Write a novel

36: Swim with dolphins

37: Have coffee with Sherry Burgess and listen to every word that precious woman speaks.

38: Then have coffee with Beth Moore and listen some more. lol

39: Be bold in a moment of fear

40: Become the woman I've always dreamed of being....

2010-11-08T17:54:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty sure I'm losing what little bit of sanity I have left. As far as the broken heart....I feel like I'm on the downhill side of things. As for everything else...I'm not fairing so well. I really don't know how much longer I can live here with my parents without snapping. They mean well and they are great for taking me and Kobe in but the drama and the lack of privacy is getting to me. I need out. Badly...
I just need out of my misery totally....

Moving in the right direction...

2010-11-06T05:30:00.001-05:00

What's around the bend??

2010-11-02T18:43:00.005-05:00

15... This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 17 But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:15-17

After everything that has happened to me in the past couple of weeks, I am convinced that something incredible is in store for my life. It's said that God never puts more on us than we can bear...so obviously He has more faith in me than I have in myself. And I don't presume to know the mind of God, but surely He wouldn't be allowing me to go through this trial if He didn't have a wonderful blessing waiting for me in the end. So, instead of continuing to wallow in self-pity and sadness...I'm claiming my blessing and thanking my God for allowing me the chance to be even closer to Him. I will praise Him even in this time of darkness because I truly believe at some point He will bring me out. Not only that, but when He does, I will be stronger, wiser, and even more of what He wants me to be. So, I am giving it all to Him from this point on. I will no longer worry about the heartache and pain. I will no longer keep asking "why me?" I will no longer try to fix it myself. The battle is in His hands. That's where it should have been the whole time anyway.

So Tired...

2010-11-01T18:48:00.002-05:00

Just when I think I'm ok...I'm hit head-on with a flurry of emotions that are so overwhelming that I can't even function properly. I'm so tired of all the tears. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of missing his boys. I'm tired of missing my home and my routine. I'm tired of missing my bed. I'm tired of hurting and crying. I'm just plain tired. I'm tired of sitting up at night and wondering about all the things that I could have done to keep this from happening. I'm tired of feeling like it was all hopeless and going to end anyway. I'm tired of feeling inadequate and useless. I'm tired of wanting to feel his arms around me and knowing that I never will again. I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'm better off. I'm just tired. And I want it to just be over.

Much needed sleep

2010-10-31T05:53:00.003-05:00

I slept last night for the first time in weeks. It felt good to fall asleep and not toss and turn with worry the entire night. Now, I can think and plan with a fresh mind. My heart is better this morning than it was yesterday. I'm sure it will be even better tomorrow. The heart is funny. I thought it was destroyed. I have to keep in mind that I'm not healed yet and won't be for a long time. I'm never going to be ready for another relationship, nor do I think I'll ever want to be in one again. At this moment in time, I just want to be. Just to be. I can't explain it any better than that.

Life Goes On

2010-10-30T19:18:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here at my parents' house. I feel out of place and uncomfortable. I'm in the process of devising a plan. One that will get me and Kobe back to Tifton and in a home of our own. I can't wait to be back there. Moultrie sucks. I hate being here. The pain of the past two weeks has eased somewhat...although at times I still feel tears welling up in my eyes and I have to stop myself from dwelling on it too much. Today was a difficult day. He has the boys. I love them so much and it's breaking my heart not being there with them. I know in time, the pain will be gone completely but right now, I think ignoring it works best. I just occupy myself with other things...Kobe, work, making plans for our future. I'm lonely. But loneliness can be dealt with. I have to make an effort to make friends and not isolate myself like I've done in the past. A friend recently told me that cliches are cliches for a reason.....well the one that keeps coming to mind is...Life Goes On. My only question is...where is it going this time??

Lessons

2010-10-28T12:15:00.002-05:00

I would be nothing short of ignorant if I did not learn something from this rediculous hell that I am in. There are so many promises that I am making myself that I can't even keep up with them all in my head. The first promise was to my son though. I will never, as long as I live, put him, or myself, through this again. I will never give up a decent life to create another with someone else. Never ever again. I also promised my friends and my mom that I will not go through this alone this time, although I am keeping most of what I think and feel bottled up. But I only do that because I am sick and tired of the tears.
The biggest lesson that I have learned is that I can't trust or depend on anyone but myself. It doesn't matter how many big promises are made to me, it doesn't matter how many sweet declarations of love I hear, it doesn't matter how devoted anyone proclaims to be...I will never fall for any of it ever again. Because ultimately, they will let me down.
I will no longer define my happiness based on the happiness of someone else. Whether or not I am happy will soley be up to me. I will not strive to do all and be all to keep someone loving me. If I can't be loved just as I am, for just what I am...then so be it.
I will never allow anyone else to cause me any pain again. I refuse to ever feel this way...and if it means that I spend the rest of my life alone, then it means the rest of my life will be pain free.
And finally, if I am consistently hearing all the things about me that need to be changed...I will simply walk away. Because I love who I am. I am a damn good woman with a lot to offer and nothing about me needs to change.

2010-10-25T06:16:00.002-05:00

This just fits. I had never heard it before until yesterday. She had a song for me the last time too. Seems like she and I have a lot in common.

Encouragement

2010-10-23T18:22:00.002-05:00

I was visited by a dear friend today. She offered me comfort, encouragement, and a much needed shoulder to cry on. She made me see things a lot more clearly. Made me believe it's not quite all my fault like I have been feeling for so long. She reminded me that I am loved...by many. I'm not tossed aside like yesterday's newspaper. I needed to hear those words. And I needed to hear them from her. My heart feels better tonight. Even if only for a little while.

Carnival Time

2010-10-22T18:06:00.002-05:00

I hate roller coasters. The ups, the downs, the turn-it-all-arounds. They frighten me. My days feel like I'm on a roller coaster now. I have my ups and downs and twists and turns. I felt pretty good this morning. My spirits were alittle higher. The ball of pain in my chest was just a little bit less suffocating. It was, all in all, a pretty decent morning. Now I'm all upset again. I hate feeling like this. I know in time it will get better. That's what everyone keeps telling me anyway. I've accepted that I have to move on. I'm no longer hanging on and hoping for a miracle. I took that first step today. I placed an application for an apartment that I would love to have. Kobe and I looked at these the first time we needed to move. They are very nice and affordable too! That first step was the hardest. Doing that, meant that I was making up my mind to move on. It was also very exciting. The beginning of a new adventure and a new phase of my life. I've learned alot over the last couple years. I'll go into all of that in time. Right now, it still too tender and the pain is still there. I know with everyday I will become stronger. I know that with everyday the ache will ease. I know all of this. I know that underneath all of this weak, soft-spoken exterior is a strong woman. She'll come out and save me. She's everything I'm not...everything I want to be. Maybe this time, she'll stay for good.

Back to the Drawing Board

2010-10-19T04:36:00.003-05:00

So, here we are again. Me and my writing, working through another life crisis and hashing things out in words. Apparently, I am easy to give up on. Ok. That's fine. This is the last time that anyone has an opportunity to give up on me. I've been here before. I can do this. I can create a rather good life for me and my son. But this is the last time. After the tears and the shock and the crushing heartache....comes determination. Yeah, I'm emotionally weak and I always have been...but you would be amazed at what a woman can do when she finds herself in trouble. The difference this time is, I have no anger. He is a good man and I love him dearly. Yeah, he has hurt me...but it seems we both have issues. So, I have to come up with a game plan. First, I have to find a way to ignore the pain and the crushing feeling in my chest. Then...well, then I'll just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Two steps forward....three steps back...

2010-10-03T09:50:00.002-05:00

I was blinded by the progress I had been making. Thinking that somehow I was a different person now altogether. No longer that scared, fearful little girl that I had become. The pills...the pills gave me a false sense of security. There is no security. I will never be strong. I will never be sure. I will never be confident..in myself or anyone else. The pills just keep me from going off the deep end, where I was most likely headed. That knot in my stomach never really left I see. It's still there. It was hiding but now I can feel it. Feel it like hot molten lava down deep in the pit of my stomach. That scream that was always stuck in my throat is back. Ready to escape and fall on ears that have no clue. I was tricked and deceived. Not by a person, but by a chemical. Medication can not make a person different....all the problems, all the sickness, it's all still there. The medication just a makes a person more tolerable to those around them. It's meant to help others really, not the one taking it. So now I feel like I am right back where I started. I will most likely lose everything that means anything to me. This darkness is a wretched place...but familiar.

Fat Girls, Big Girls, Thick Girls....

2010-06-04T06:52:00.004-05:00

Whatever you wanna call us....we're not skinny. You don't look at me and say to yourself, "That heifer needs to eat a biscuit!!" I've struggled with my weight my entire life. What's so bad is when I look back at my old pictures from junior high and high school. I thought I was so big...so fat. I wasn't anywhere near being big. I don't know what made me so obsessive about my weight. I think it was a combination of different things that just all worked together to make me feel awkward, inadequate and unattractive. So here I am, a big woman. I'm finally at the point in my life where I can accept it for what it is and still feel good about me. Big doesn't rule out beautiful. I can't shop at all the little shops that my friends shop at, but thankfully...there are big women out there that recognize that we should look hot too, so they've started making trendy clothes for us too instead of granny clothes with big flowers and elastic. I can still turn heads when I go out. Men love women with a little shape to them. Big butts, big boobs, big thighs....they all create a lovely creature. I wish all of these young girls could really see things more clearly than they do. Barbie is just a doll. She's plastic. Her boobs will never sag and her hips will never spread. Ours will. These poor girls are out there starving themselves and trying to make themselves so tiny that their clothes don't even have numbers for sizes...all because society has told them that's what's acceptable. And they say I'm unhealthy...nah...not me. I've always allowed my weight to stop me from doing fun things. I never learned to dance because I felt like people would laugh at the fat girl. I never went swimming with my friends because I was afraid people would laugh at the fat girl. I never wore cute clothes because I was afraid people would laugh at the fat girl. Well....so what if they laugh??? I'm thick, I'm big, but damn it...I'm beautiful. I've always thought with every diet I started that this would be the diet that would make me pretty again. My weight will not define my beauty any longer. I want to be healthy...but I have no desire to live up to society's standards of what beauty is. So, here's to all the thick girls, all the fat girls, all the big girls that love who they are...just as they are!!!! :) You know our asses look alot better in jeans anyway....admit it!! lol

So good....

2010-04-15T07:37:00.002-05:00

It's been so long since I've posted anything. I've tried countless times to write, but just can't get anything out. Life is so good. Sometimes I sit and think of all the good things in my life and I get so teary and emotional because I just can't fathom all this happiness in one lifetime...it's overwhelming at times. This past year has had some trials...but they all made me so much stronger and more confident. I needed it all to make me realize just how blessed I really am. Kobe is growing so much and he's beginning to act (and look!!) more like a man. He and Terry are "runnin' buddies" and spend alot of time bonding. I'm glad that they are so close and love each other. Terry thinks of Kobe and treats him like his own and it means so much to me. Kobe adores Terry and enjoys his company. Recently, he has been invited into the "round table" meetings that Terry and his friends occasionally have and it's made him feel special. He likes hanging out with the guys because they talk to him as one of them instead of the way his mommy does lol!! Life is good. Have I said that already?? :) Currently, I'm getting ready for another milestone in my life. I'm so excited and can't wait. Not saying what it is...but just know...once again....my life is so good! :0)

A day to myself

2010-01-07T16:29:00.002-05:00

I've had the entire day to myself and it's been pretty good. I did some housework so that Terry wouldn't think I was entirely unproductive, but I did manage to get some couch time too. Days like this are good for thinking about all the things that you just don't have time for any other time too. Today, I spent the day thinking about a friend of mine. We were best of friends in school. She is my age and is expecting twin girls in about 10 weeks. She has a little boy about Kobe's age already. As hard as I know it's going to be for her, especially at our age, I'm so excited for her! I've spent the last decade with the blackest, emptiest, most painful void in my life that came from wanting another baby. It still hurts so bad thinking of never being able to have a little girl. And here she is having TWO! How awesome is that?!?! I'm so happy for her and I wish her the best of luck. I know she will be tired, probably even scared...but I can bet the joy of having them will overshadow all of that. Good luck Sheila! I love you!

Growing old...not so gracefully

2009-12-29T10:00:00.004-05:00

It's not that I mind being 36. I don't even mind knowing that 40 and "Middle Age" is right around the corner. It's not the number that bothers me so...it's the hell-of-all-hells that my body is going through. We see puberty as a huge turning point is kids' lives. The way the body changes and everything gets all crazy with hormones. I would give anything to go back to that weirdness and hormonal hell that was puberty. That would be considered a walk in the park compared to the late 30's perimenopausal purgatory that I find myself in now. All I had to deal with at 13 was sore boobs, the occasional zit and raging hormones. Now, my boobs are still sore, the zits still show up and those hormones have turned into a poison that could very well send me to the nuthatch!! Not only that, but I also have gray hair that Mrs. Clairol can't seem to do anything with, wrinkles that I drench in cream...only to find that that is the cause of the pimples and my eyes are giving up trying to focus on anything remotely distant or small...or big and close for that matter. It's no wonder so many women have to go on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications at this age. It's enough to drive anyone mad. When will I get a break? When I'm dead???!!
I looked in the mirror this morning and was absolutely repulsed at what was looking back at me. It looked like someone made a clay statue of me and put it in the microwave for a few minutes. You know what I mean...droopy....saggy....no longer 18 and firm but 36 and fermenting!! It's not fair I tell you! I've always been "a big girl" but I had a cute figure to back up that size. Perky boobs, firm butt with just a little jiggle. NOW, the perky boobs have since headed south and can sometimes be found in the waste of my pants and there is a whole lot more jiggle going on in the backyard. I have perpetual darkness under my eyes that could rival crop circles and splotchy skin that could almost be confused with paisley. Meanwhile my hair is not only going gray at a rapidly increasing speed...but the few that remain chestnut are falling out in handfuls! Or, relocating to my chin, upper lip, big toes, or my right boob. Yeah, I said it. How am I supposed to grow old gracefully if I feel as if my body has mutinied against me? I want to fight it, but there is nothing to fight it with. Sure, I color my hair...but that only lasts so long and pretty soon there will be nothing left to color if I keep finding it all in the sink and floor! I could have surgery. Put my boobs back where they used to be and have a little taken off the back forty...but that costs money and eventually gravity will take hold again anyway. I use eye cream, wrinkle cream, hair removal cream, exfoliating cream, agespotremoval cream, and so far all I have to show for it is burning eyes and a bunch of empty bottles in the bathroom. The only cream that helps is Bailey's Irish and that doesn't do a lot for the little weight problem that I have the pleasure of dealing with on a daily basis. Let's set aside the wonderfully pitiful physical aspects of turning older and go for the less noticeable (Terry would most surely disagree) emotional features of middle age. The mood swings...I feel like Sybil on crack. I can go through all the different emotions in a matter of seconds. I can go from happy to furious in the blink of an eye....why you ask? Who knows?! Maybe someone said the wrong thing at the wrong time, maybe I thought of that mean kid that called me an ugly name on the school bus in the 4th grade or maybe my panties were riding me that day. It can be anything or nothing at all. So...
I give up trying to grow old gracefully. I guess I'll just resign myself to going crazy with hotflashes and mood swings just like every other woman before me. I need a drink.

Where's my inspiration?

2009-12-27T07:50:00.002-05:00

I haven't really been in the mood to write anything heartfelt and meaningful lately. I often wonder where my inspiration has gone to. Other than the occasional update on life, unless there is trouble or turmoil present...I can't get a post out. I have the desire...but not the words. Life is good. I have worked through the worst of my trust issues, thanks to the help and complete devotion of my best friend and the love of my life. He has done everything humanly possible to help me overcome my fears. I have been so blessed.
Christmas has come and gone. We had dinner here at our house and it was a total success. Nothing was burned or ruined and everyone had nothing but compliments. I loved having everyone here for me to cook for. I think that's where I am at my best...surrounded by my family in my Miss Susie Homemaker role. :) It's the place where I am most comfortable and truly know what I'm doing. I fake it at everything else lol. I impressed both Terry and Daddy with the meal, I think. Daddy even made the comment that my dressing was better than Ma's. Whether he really meant it or was just being polite, I'll never know...but I'm gonna take it anyway!!! I cooked everything except the greens (which I can cook, but despise!!) and the desserts (Ma wanted to do something...). It was fun and I'm glad that now I KNOW that I can do it on my own.
I've been thinking about all that's happened this past year and it's been a total blur for the most part. Talk about a whirlwind!! I need to give alot of thought to my New Year's year in review post. I have alot of things to be thankful for...truly I do!!
I guess the words have started coming...I just needed a jumpstart lol. I'm gonna enjoy this quiet Sunday morning and review my posts for the year.

It's Christmas Time!!!!

2009-12-17T08:57:00.005-05:00

We are getting ready for Christmas time in this house. For the first time ever, I get to have Christmas at my home. I'm so excited!! It's not exactly going like I had hoped it would, but I'll make the best of it anyway. I can't wait to finally have my mom over for a holiday where SHE doesn't have to cook. I wish I could enjoy this time more, but work doesn't allow for much fun time. My job is all consuming and mind-numbing. After I post this, I'm going to look into going back to school. I was pretty close this past year, but gave up when I became distracted by the love of my life. :) I need to find a career where there is room for family and personal time. I can't allow a job to demand my every waking moment while my child, my man and my home suffers. Anyway, that was going way off on a wild tangent.
I wish the best to everyone this Christmas. May you get all that you NEED and some that you want. May you realize that without love, God and family....nothing that is sitting under that tree matters at all. I love you all and Merry Christmas!

Being Thankful

2009-11-26T06:55:00.006-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving. If anyone has anything to be thankful for...it's me. I'm thankful that God looked upon me and saw fit to bless me with a truly good man. Not only that, but along with Terry, I got the blessing of 2 more children. So, I'm now blessed with 3 of the most handsome boys in the world. Kobe is a young man now. I'm thankful that he is healthy and growing up in a stable home with a strong male rolemodel. I'm thankful that Terry loves Kobe and treats him just like he is his own child. I'm thankful that Kobe is good kid. He's a teenager and that comes with it's own stuff and drama...but he's not a trouble maker or a bad kid and I thank God for that. I am oh so thankful for Terry. He is strong and tough. He's kind and caring. Looking at him, on the outside, Terry looks like he is hard as stone. He can look rather intimidating at times. lol But his heart...when he lets you into his heart, you can see what a truly wonderful man he really is. He is so warm and caring. He cares about people and really loves helping others. He loves his boys (Alex, Eli AND Kobe). He takes care of them all and makes a point to teach them things that they need to know to be good men. He takes very good care of me and treats me like a lady. I'm becoming rather spoiled. :)
I am very thankful for my mom and dad. They have been there for me over and over again when I needed them. The last couple years have been pretty trying for them too. Watching me and Kobe go through so much change and finally make it to where we are now.
My brother, Joey, is a blessing. Although we don't get to talk as much as I'd like because we both work ALL THE TIME...we both know that if we need each other, there is nothing more than a phone call between us.
I'm thankful for my new baby, Deuce. He has filled a hole in my heart. Terry and Kobe couldn't have picked a cuter more perfect little puppy than my lil' Deuce. He's the newest member of our family. I've already fallen in love with the little guy and I would like to think that Gizzy is looking down giving his approval. He would have loved Deuce too.
So I sit here this morning, thanking God for all his many blessings. He has been so good to me and I thank Him for having mercy on me and for keeping me and my loved ones healthy and happy. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Be at peace baby

2009-10-15T16:42:00.005-05:00

My pal Gizmo is at rest now after a very long and very carefree life. He was, by far, the best dog ever. When he sensed that I was sad, he would curl up next to me and keep me company. He never fussed for anything if I wasn't feeling well. He would still make an attempt to play, even though he was so far along in years. My heart is breaking. People don't understand why I hurt so much. He was my baby. He was my companion and my best friend. Yeah, my heart is breaking. This isn't what I wanted it to be. I wanted to say something that put into words how I feel and what an amazing friend Gizmo was. He knew me in the end. He knew I was there and he felt mama's arms holding him as he slipped away. I hope he knows that I love him and that I let him go because I couldn't stand to see him suffer. I hope he knows that he was my best friend and that my heart is completely shattered tonight at the thought of never being able to snuggle with him again. He brought something special to my life and tonight....it feels so empty. Rest in peace my friend. I love you.

What's the beeping noise when I backup??

2009-10-07T07:07:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I'm packing on the pounds again. I was so adamant about never regaining the weight that I lost, but it seems like it's a lost cause. I've gained 40 pounds in 6 months. That's not good considering all that I had lost before. I have to find a way to stop this and a way to take all of this back off. I don't really care about doing it in a healthy way at this point. It just needs to happen. It's affecting the way I see myself and my emotional health. I can't stop on my own. I've tried. Something's gotta give. That's all there is to the matter. If I keep gaining weight, I'm going to fall back into that pit of depression and no one will like me then. Not only that, but unlike some women that look good big, I don't. I'm hideous, disgusting and gross. Some women look beautiful with super large butts and fluffy stuff around the middle. Not me. I have to do whatever it takes to make this go away. I'm beginning to dislike what I see in the mirror. I hate that. I was feeling so good about myself. It stops today. No more. I have to re-lose this extra forty pounds and 10 more on top of that. By any means necessary.

Blah blah blah blah.....

2009-09-22T17:18:00.002-05:00

That's kinda how I'm feeling today. Just plain blah. Nothing's wrong...I just don't have any energy or desire to do anything. I hate days like this. Lately, it seems that I'm very tired very often. All day every day actually. Just so tired. Seems like I never get rest at night and I go non-stop all day and now it's catching up with me. My body is exhausted, my mind is numb,and my spirit is lifeless. I think I need some down time. Time where I can rest and relax. Time where I'm not Mom but Teresa. Time where the chores are not starring me in the face 24/7. That's never going to happen...but it's definitely something that I'm in need of nonetheless. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...

"But Johnny...you're everything!!"

2009-09-14T20:25:00.005-05:00

Everyone knew it was coming, but it still broke my heart when I read the headline. Why did he have to die? Johnny, Dary, Sam, Dalton...which ever heart-throb he played, I fell in love with him all over again each and every time. Patrick was every woman's dream boyfriend. Every girl wanted to be Baby and have Johnny come to her rescue... "Nobody puts Baby in the corner". And when Johnny jumped over that porch railing and beat the crap out of that jerk, I felt like he was fighting for me. Dalton made me want to grow up and marry a bouncer. He was the epitome of sexiness. Patrick could fight, dance, move and make any of it look hot. Let's not forget his humor too. As Vida, he rocked in some stilettos and of course there will always be the SNL skit with Chris Farley as the Chippendale Dancers. Hollywood lost a treasure and every woman in America lost a man that managed to show up in a dream or two after watching one of his movies. I really can't think of much more to say. I can't turn this into a well-versed tribute or something that will interest anyone else I'm sure. I just felt like I needed to say something. I'll remember Patrick in my own way...maybe watch Dirty Dancing for the 61st time and cry. Goodbye Johnny.

Our first date

2009-08-25T05:20:00.003-05:00

So Terry and I had our first date. I know, I know...how can that possibly be you say??? Well, things in the beginning moved in a very fast and very odd way. We reconnected for the first time since highschool, we fell in love, decided that we were too old to play the games so we immediately started our life together. However, we never even went on a date!!! :) So we had our first date. My favorite part was making fun of ourselves. Pretending to be on a real first date....it was silly and fun and reminded me of all the things that I love about that man. The conversation was incredible and deep. We talked and listened to each other, it was probably the most romantic thing ever. To sit there and have someone take what you say and actually hear it means so much. We had a great time. I feel so much comfort around Terry. He truly is my best friend. We fit together so well. So our first date was a total success. I think I'll go out with him again! lol The goodnight kiss wasn't all that bad either ;)

Another perfect Sunday morning post...

2009-08-23T04:29:00.003-05:00

In the quiet and peace of the morning, I find that I can focus and open up better than any other time. Sunday mornings are perfect for reflection and I love getting up early and taking the time to search my heart and mind and seeing if I have any thoughts or feelings that need to be purged. This morning, I'm happy to say that I have had a breakthrough of sorts. It seems I am learning to trust again. It sounds silly writing about all of this, knowing how ridiculous the entire situation is to begin with...but I have no choice. Once again, I am in a position where I have absolutely no one to talk to, no one to confide in, and I need to get this out in an effort to heal. I spent an entire day without worry in my head over things that might happen. Things that I dream up in this twisted and scarred mind. Things that I know will never happen, but my head likes to throw them into play anyway because of how things used to be. It was a very liberating feeling when Terry brought it to my attention. I achieved...COMFORT yesterday. Comfort within, where my thoughts, feelings and fears reside. I'm not bold enough to declare that all is well inside this broken mind, but I am claiming a worry-free day. It's been a long time coming too. Simple things that most people take for granted are like Olympic obstacles for a person like me that is trying to overcome the damage left behind by abuse. Do you have any idea how difficult it is just to leave everyone at home and go for a walk alone? No, unless you have been in my shoes...you have no clue. However, I did it yesterday! I did that and a handful of other things that were signs of a healing heart. It helps that Terry is willing to do whatever it takes to help me too. He's making huge sacrifices to make sure that I get to where we both want me to be. So that in the future, no sacrifices have to be made. When God brought me and Terry together, He knew exactly what I would need. Unconditional love, strength, understanding, patience...I never believed I would have all of that in one man but I do. I am in love with my best friend. How a man like this still exists is beyond me. I truly believed that they only existed in Harlequinn Romance novels and Lifetime movies. So my breakthrough, as silly as it seems, means a lot to both of us. I see it as healing, he probably sees it as a light at the end of what's been a very dark and trying tunnel. I pray that at the end of that tunnel, we both come out hand in hand, closer than two people have ever been, looking forward to an incredible future together.

Giving the past power over my future. Thank you God for a patient man...

2009-08-11T06:52:00.004-05:00

The title of this post really says it all. If I could go back in time, I would go back to that day when a friend told me all of Kevin's exploits and adventures (aka...enlightened me to the fact that I was married to a cheating whore). I would have done what my dreams that night gave me the idea to do: duct tape him to the bed and set fire to his nasty cheating ass. See, I didn't do it then, because I felt hopeless and helpless. I want to do it now, because it is totally fucking up my mind and messing with my relationship with the best man God ever created. I can't get past the past and it's ruining my present and future. Kevin was the lowest of all the fucking creatures on the planet. He's a worthless piece of dried caked up shit found on the bottom of a shoe. He abused me for a decade. That trauma is just now...at what should be the happiest point in my life, coming to the surface and taking over my head. Terry is NOT Kevin. I wake up and tell myself that everyday. Thank God that Terry is patient enough and loves me enough to help me through this instead of running away like any other man would do. I've had to once again seek help from my doctor. One day I will beat this. One day I will overcome the hell that sorry son of a mother put me through. For now though, I lean my head and heart on a man who understands and loves me. He knows my pain and fear and deals with it daily. He loves me and a day never goes by without him telling me or showing me how much I mean to him. He proves to me everyday that he is NOT Kevin even though he shouldn't have to. One day....I will be strong again.

Confidence through Insecurity

2009-08-04T20:36:00.002-05:00

I'm trying an experiment of sorts lately. I'm faking confidence. I'm faking it in an effort to see if maybe, just maybe, I can get to a point where I'm no longer faking it. It's hard. In fact, this will probably be the absolute hardest thing that I have ever had to do. The things in my past that I thought I had over come were really only just buffered to a point where I could function on a day-to-day basis. When Terry came along...I realized just how damaged I really am. It was easy to go through the daily motions thinking that I was a strong woman and that I had overcome everything that Kevin done to me. It was easy because I was alone and I didn't have a choice. I had to do it for Kobe. I had to be ok. So fast forward a few months, I'm in a good relationship with a good man and I get comfortable. All of a sudden...WHAM!!!! I'm hit in the face with a life time of residual side effects of all the abuse that I endured. I guess I got complacent and felt like it was ok to not be ok. All that time, I thought that I was healed. All that time...I was faking it. I started feeling very insecure about everything. My looks, my job, my relationship with Terry. That fear of being alone and losing everything started creeping into my daydreams and eventually....it started keeping me up at night. I'm so full of fear and dread. I'm so afraid that if the least little thing isn't just perfect that he will stop loving me. That's the way it was before. I wasn't perfect. So, he searched for his perfection elsewhere. I know in my heart that Terry will never do that...but how can I get my heart to tell my head that and get it to sink in??? All that abuse really did a bigger mindf*$#@ on me that I originally thought. I'm hoping I can fake enough of this confidence to convince myself that I really am confident the way that I convinced myself that I was okay before. I need to believe it. Desperately.

2009-07-30T20:28:00.002-05:00

So I got the promotion. I am officially the new office manager at Turner's. It's exciting so far. I'm glad that they have enough confidence in me to make me the offer. I never expected to be in management, but then again there are a lot of things about my life that I never expected.
The horrors going on inside my mind have subsided. I had to have a little help from my doctor. Apparently, the episodes that I have been having are panic attacks and severe anxiety. So, the doctor prescribed some pretty good medications and so far I am on the mend. I didn't realize that what was happening to me were panic attacks. They were very frightening. The meds have eased the demons it seems also. I feel like my old self again. It's nice and until I get the ok from the doc...I'm staying on the medication. That pain in the pit of my gut is gone. I needed relief from that so badly. It was destroying my peace of mind. Not only that, it was incredibly unfair to Terry. He's been paying a heavy price lately for Kevin's sins and I promised to do everything in my power to make it stop. I tried but was unable to on my own. At any rate...everything is better now. Or atleast it's getting better. I'll be glad when I am totally healed and can live totally in the present and let the past stay there.

2009-07-22T06:31:00.002-05:00

It's a weird feeling to be as happy as I am and still feel all out of sorts like I have been feeling lately. I can't seem to balance the two and it's playing havoc with all aspects of my life. I'm keeping two journals now. One here and a written one that I pour my heart and soul out in. I've been spending a lot more time with the written one lately because I'm trying to lay to rest the thoughts and memories that are causing the sleepless nights and worried days. It's not the sort of thing that I want the world to see, so until I get through this...I may not be posting a lot here. Don't be concerned though...nothing is wrong. That's the laughable thing about the whole damn situation. lol All is right in my world. On to other things...
It looks as if I am getting a promotion at work. I say "looks as if" because, although the job has been offered to me and I have been learning all I can, I tend to be very cautious where business is concerned. No matter how much you would like to think the people that you work for and with are your friends...ultimately, the dollar and the company comes first. That being said, when I see a raise in pay, then I will claim the promotion as mine. It came about in a whirlwind of changes and I am sure the next several weeks and even months are going to be trying. I am excited. I never thought I would have this opportunity. Althought I am nervous, I am confident that I can do it. But really...who would have ever thought that I would be management material?? The former SAHM that was forced to find a job?
I post this like I have a lot of people that read here and that's funny. I doubt anyone at all is the least bit concerned with my life enough to read here often. But I do this for me anyway....no one else. This is therapy. My therapy needs to be more private for now, so off I go to find my pen and journal. I'll be back. In the mean time...if you do read this...a prayer or two would be greatly appreciated.

Does God still want me to talk to Him?

2009-07-14T06:19:00.003-05:00

I'm in a weird place as of recent. Almost everything about my life is near perfect. I am really happy with where I am. But lately, I've had issues with old demons and it's bringing feelings that I thought were locked away deep in my emotional vault straight to the surface, leaving me scared, insecure and unsure. These feelings are like old acquaintances that you wished you would never see again but they show up at the most inopportune time. Last night, they got in my head and wouldn't go away. I couldn't sleep. I just needed to get out of bed and do something. So as I was washing dishes, it hit me...I haven't been praying. I haven't talked to God in a very long time. I felt ashamed. I think I stopped talking to Him after someone made the comment that I had no right to call my current situation a blessing because it wasn't of God. Even though I think they were wrong, I allowed it to influence my relationship with Him. Yes, Terry and I are living together and we are not married. We are in a very loving, monogamous relationship. No ceremony yet, but the ceremony doesn't make the marriage. Trust me. So, I needed to talk to God. The feeling was so overwhelming that I just couldn't overlook it any longer. When I got down on my knees, a fear struck me. What if He's finished with me? What if I cry out to Him to help me and He has no more time to deal with me? I prayed and talked to Him about all the things that I needed to get out anyway. It came out like a festering sore...all the fear, all the insecurities, all the things that I have been keeping hidden inside. I've let a little bit show itself to others, but I have kept so much inside that it's been eating at me and making me sick. It just came pouring out. I cried out to Him with all my heart to take this away. Make the sick feeling that I carry with me go away. Give me peace and assurance that all is well. But, most of all...I asked Him to let me know He was there. I needed to feel Him...you know that feeling....it's like electricity coursing through you, taking all the dark, poisonous sludge and replacing it with joy and peace and love. I told God that I needed to know He still wanted to hear me...please just let me feel Him there. He did. Just as He always does. He didn't take away a lot of the feelings that are lingering way deep down...but I believe He will. My faith is what pulled me through a lot of dark times. This is in no way a dark time, just a trial. I believe that same faith will hold true. As always, part of this is to teach me something. It's just a matter of looking past myself and seeing the lesson. It's also time to lay to rest those things of the past. Sometimes in life, you just have to decide if you want to sit and wallow or do you just want to be happy. I want to be happy. So, I have to let God do His thing. I have to just accept some things that I don't really want to accept but have to just the same. I have to make that decision to just let it be and be happy. I have to learn a whole new feeling....one that I've come to realize I have never felt before. Trust. It's all new to me. It's going to take time. It's not in anyway going to be easy. But I've done the impossible before, so this shouldn't be too hard really. So, I'm trusting that God heard my prayers last night. I'm trusting that the burden in my heart will ease with time. I'm trusting that everything will be good. I'm trusting....

My Daddy...

2009-06-21T06:27:00.003-05:00

In a time where men get manicures more than women, it's good to still have a man like my daddy around. I've often said that he's part of a dwindling breed of men that the world will sorely miss one day. A man's man...a good ol' boy...a rock. His hands are rough and hard from a lifetime of hard, physical work. You'll never see him in a nail salon, unless of course he's dragging mom out of one. :) His skin is dark and tan but it's from spending long hours working outdoors, not from the tanning bed like the young guys do today. He's a proud man and although you can sense his feelings, you'll never see him on Dr. Phil spilling his guts. In fact, if given the opportunity...I think my daddy would love to give Dr. Phil a good ol' fashioned ass-whoopin, just because. :) If you can't tell, I'm a daddy's girl. From my earliest childhood memory, daddy has been a force that has been bigger than life itself to me. No matter what the situation, I knew he would always come to my rescue if I needed him to. He still will to this very day and I'm grown, but I never doubt that he would come running at a moments notice if I called. He's just like that though. His family, his friends, people that know "of" him or have heard of him....if they call then he's there. I can only imagine how out of place strong men like him feel now in this weak and spineless atmosphere we live in today. If there were more men like my daddy in the world, I truly believe things would be different. The world would be a much safer and pleasant place, no doubt. I don't say these things just because I'm his little girl. I say this because it's the truth. Terry says there is a code for men...he calls it South Georgia Rules. There are things you, things you don't do and consequences for straying from what's right. Very few men follow, much less know of this code anymore. You take care of your woman. You definitely take care of your children. Family comes first. And you risk one of those woodshed buttwhoopin's if you ever cause harm to a man's loved ones. It's simple really, but rare in today's world. Thank God there are still a few men like daddy around though. I'm glad he's here to be an influence to my boy. Maybe, just maybe, we can preserve men like my daddy by grooming young men to be men instead of the froofroo, manicure gettin', Prius drivin', can't use a car jack, highlights in the salon styled hair boys the world is overflowing with today. I love you Daddy!!!!! Happy Father's Day!

Can't sleep....

2009-06-19T23:11:00.003-05:00

I really hate it when my mind races with so many thoughts that I can't make sense of any of them so they just keep me awake...buzzing around in my head like a swarm of bees. I guess it would be easier if I would talk about the things that keep me awake and wondering...but I've never been one to open up. I tend to just keep it all inside and let it fester and make me sick. I hate this feeling. It's a feeling that's all too familiar and reminds me of days better forgotten. Insomnia is a bitch. Also, things that may not be all that bad tend to grow into mammoth-sized issues after staring up at the ceiling for a couple hours waiting for a sleep that never comes. There's so much in my head right now. I just wish it would stop. Just shut up and let me be at peace. It's not fair that old ghosts rear their heads and try to put fears that have been forgotten in a present life that should have none of these fears. My mind is like a haunted house: a new family may reside, but the same ghosts are still roaming the halls causing mischief and unrest. How do I get rid of this? How, after all this time...will it go away? If it hasn't gone away by now....will it ever? The scars of the past, the fear, the insecurity, will they forever be with me? Can I ever just have the peace and security in my head and heart that I want and need so badly? It's 12:24 am. I'm wide awake. Not because I want to be, but because I'm afraid. That damn fear. Those damn wounds that, for the most part, are healed...but the scars still show. The scars run deeper than I thought I guess. I'm eating again. A lot. For a while, I didn't realize why but tonight I know. Insecurity, it always comes back to insecurity. My weight is going up and up. I can't stop it. Food comforts me....for a short time anyway. Then the self-loathing starts and I want more food for comfort. It's a vicious cycle. Thank goodness I've had the strength not to start all the bad habits. I've resisted the binge/purge issue. I don't want to go back there. Not now...not when things are so good. I need to shed light on these dark fears from my past...but I'm so afraid. If I speak of them, what if they come true? What if, what if what if?!?!?!? It always comes back to what ifs. I just don't know how to make it stop. And what's worse....I can't talk about it to get anyone's help. So, I guess I just deal with the insecurities like I have always dealt with them. Slap on a happy face for the world to see, tell everyone I'm okay, and when no one is looking...suffocate the fears and worries with as much food as I can. It's better than being a drunk I guess!!

Another year older

2009-06-16T06:25:00.002-05:00

I still feel young. Maybe that counts for something. I don't feel 36. I don't feel like I LOOK 36. Ok...so, I'm 36. At 36, I am finally, FINALLY, in a place in my life where I am totally happy and content. It only took a lifetime to get here. I have three boys now that keep me feeling young for sure. I have a wonderful man that loves me and never lets a day go by without reminding me of that. Life is good. Yeah, so I'm 36. Big deal. It's an odd time in a woman's life really. Old enough to possibly pass for someone's grandmother, but young enough to still need birth control. Young enough to want to run a 5k, but old enough to know that you take advil before you run because the knees aren't what they used to be. Young enough to still want to wear the cute summer clothes that you see in the stores, old enough to know how ridiculous a woman your age would look in them. Young enough to agree to sit up and watch movies all night, old enough to set the timer on the tv so the noise won't wake you after you've fallen asleep in the middle of the first one. I'm young enough to still want to do all the crazy things that I said I would do before I turned 40, but I'm old enough to know that most will never happen...although it's still okay to think it's possible. I'm young enough to remember what it was like to be a teenager and kind of miss it but I'm old enough to know that I would never go back to that time in my life for anything. I'm old enough to know that my 13 year old is going to be facing some tough decisions in the years to come. I'm young enough to still understand all that he's going to go through (I hope....) I'm old enough to have grey hair. But dang it, I'm still young enough to feel the need to get it colored!!!!! lol I'm still young at heart, but old with wisdom. I would love to go back in time and tell that stupid young girl all the things that I know now, but I guess she had to learn on her own. I could have saved her a lot of trouble though. lol Yeah, so I'm 36. Okay. I'll accept the number, but I refuse to grow old gracefully. My life is just beginning. I'm still a girl at heart. So, to all of you that feel your age....nannernannernanner....pfffftttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Catch me if you can!! :)

One Sweet Thing

2009-05-24T07:53:00.002-05:00

When we came home from our niece's birthday party yesterday, Terry gave me a small rosemary plant for my garden. He said it was his one sweet thing for me that day. One day, he brought Avon catalogs home for me to order from. One day, he had a friend bring me a flower for my desk at work. It's not the THINGS that touch my heart, it's the fact that...at some point during his day he's thinking about me. When I'm not there, when he's working and with his friends, when he's busy and stressed and I SHOULDN'T be on his mind...I am. This is the way it is in my life now. If you've followed my life at all, you know that it's not something that I am used to. This is the very first grown-up, give-and-take relationship that I have ever been a part of. I had no idea what I was missing until now. This is the way it's SUPPOSED to be. I do for him, he does for me...it's so simple really and yet it's something that many couples can't seem to grasp. One sweet thing....how many soured relationships could be salvaged if people just showed their spouses that they think about them? How many lives could be changed if people made an effort to think about someone other than themselves? I wonder...

Facing the truth....eating disorders

2009-05-18T16:39:00.005-05:00

I've been taking a long hard look inside myself lately. It seems that I have gone back to some very bad habits and it's beginning to scare me. I've admitted this before, but never took the time to really go deep into it and find the root of my problem. I'm a binge eater. The clinical name for all of you smartbutts out there is Obsessive Compulsive Overeating. I thought I had it under control at one time but it seems to have reared its ugly head once again. I can't, in any way, contribute this to depression or something bad like before. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I've put on some weight in the last several weeks and I think that most if not all of that can be attributed to a recent medical procedure that I had and should be done with soon. That being said, the weight is bothering me greatly because I have worked so hard at losing it. I think Terry blames himself for my gains, but it's not the least bit his fault. It's not what I'm eating when we are together that has done this. It's not our lifestyle or the things we do and cook together....it's the things that I do on my own. Those ugly, awful, terrible things that I do when I am by myself and no one is looking. The secret binging. The thing is, if I'm really and truly honest with myself, I've had this problem since I was a young girl. I have been doing a lot of thinking on this and I have decided that the only way that I am going to be able to beat this is to be honest and open about it. No matter how embarrassing or humiliating it will most certainly be. A binge eater never allows anyone to see them binge. I hide. I wait until I know that I won't be caught, because to be caught would be the ultimate in humiliation. It's not like when a person grabs a pack of M&Ms and a Coke when they stop and fill up for gas at the store. It's grabbing 2 or 3 packs, and box of cookies and a bag of chips...then eating it all at one time. All the while, hating yourself, loathing the things that you do to your own body, terrified that someone will see. My last binge was a couple days ago. I'm tearing up just thinking about it because once I write it here...everyone will know. I don't want to do this, but there is something inside of me that is screaming to just get it out. So, that's what I'm going to do. My last binge consisted of a bag of chocolate/peanut butter Bugles, a pack of M&Ms, a bag of praline pecans, a coke, 2 donuts and a hamburger. I don't think it took me 10 minutes to consume all of that food. I hid in the truck while I ate it. I hid from the world. I wish I could hide from myself when I do that. I hate the self-loathing, but I do....when I binge, I do. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't sad and looking for comfort. I just...I don't know...needed it? I needed my fix. Now, I said that I think I've had this problem since I was a young girl. I can remember certain things, bits and pieces really, that leads me to believe this. Once, we were selling candy in band to raise money for a trip. I remember getting up in the middle of the night and eating the entire contents of the box of candy. I remember getting up and sneaking food, lots of food, to my room and eating until I got sick. Lots of things like that. I know I have a problem. The biggest problem is, I don't know what to do about it. I honestly believe it would be easier if I were an alcoholic or smoker because I could walk away from my drug. I can't walk away from food. I have to have it to live. Now, I know I was better (I can't find it in myself to say cured because that's admitting it's a bigger problem than I want to) and I found a way to live with my demons but somewhere along the way I let them take over again. It happened long before Terry came along too. I must make that very clear. This is a battle that I have been fighting my entire life it seems. So, I have a problem and I don't know what to do about it. Do I find away to stop the binges or live with them? I just don't know. I'll need to think on this some more. Research, pray....anything it takes to find an answer to my dilemma. I will not let this take me back. I will not let it kill me like it almost did before. I am determined to beat this. I've beat many bad things that threatened to take me down over the last couple years....this will just be another one.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T06:26:00.004-05:00

Lately, I've had the pleasure of dealing with pre-teen angst. My son, Kobe, is 12 and will be 13 in September. This time last year, all I heard about was video games, Star Wars toys and Harry Potter books. This year, I would give anything to be rolling my eyes at the latest corny kid fad. Now, it's cell phones, texting, GIRLS, sex education and acne. I'm not sure I'm ready for it...not that I have a choice. I sat here the other night, stressing over everything that I'm facing with Kobe when it hit me....how is my mom even remotely sane after raising 2 kids?? I'm frazzled at best. I had to take Kobe's phone away for punishment for his grades and I feel like the Darth Vader of mothers. He leers at me now and always looks angry. I remember giving my mom those same looks. How did she survive? It's breaking my heart to be mean to him but I have no other options. I'm at my wits end. His grades are slipping because of his little girlfriend and then there's altercations at school because of his little girlfriend, and there are arguments and flustered feelings because of his little girlfriend. I'm slowly losing my mind. AND HE'S NOT EVEN DATING YET!!!!!!!!!! So, for Mother's Day...I'm thanking my mom for not drowning me or leaving me in the woods to fend for myself. I'm thanking her for all the meals she cooked and never poisoned me. I'm thanking her for taking me shopping and out on the town and not giving me away to the first person that would take me. Thanks for letting me go to the movies with my friends and letting me back in the house when I got home. Thank you for giving me a warm place to sleep at night that was inside the house and not on the back porch. Thank you for never "knocking me into next week". Thanks for waiting on me to get into the car when you sent me into the store to get something. Thank you for barely keeping your cool and not strangling me to death when you did lose it. Thank you for introducing me as your daughter instead of some wild kid you found on the street. Thanks for never knocking my teeth down my throat even though I know you had to have thought about it a time or two. Thanks for making it through those years and giving me hope that I, too, can make it. Now, where IS that rope and duct tape at??

Quiet time and reflection

2009-05-03T05:50:00.003-05:00

Terry is out fishing with his brother, Tommy, this morning. He loves to fish. They both do and from what I see so far...they are very good at it too. We woke up this morning at 4:30 and had our coffee together. He watched a little t.v. before leaving while I checked email. We both have found our home. I'm not refering to this house, although we both love being here and are very excited about making it home. I'm talking about our home in each other. I often wondered after my divorce if I would ever find exactly what I was looking for. I would lay in bed at night and stare at the ceiling...listing all the things that I wanted in a man but bitterly resigned myself to never finding. And at the point where I totally give up, there's Terry. Thursday we had the big move day. The men gathered at my old apartment while the ladies stayed here at the house with me. My mom pulled me off to the side to ask a few questions. She needed to be reassured one last time that this was the right thing for me and Kobe. She also said that Terry was great and she was looking forward to getting to know him better. Then, she made me cackle with laughter. She said, "So....what's wrong with him??" I didn't understand at first and then she went on to say that he seemed too good to be true and the she wanted to know what was wrong with him. I told her nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm not saying he's perfect. He's not, and neither am I. But he IS perfect for me. When I told Terry about the conversation with my mom, he said that there was a lot that I was going to find wrong with him in time. Such as, he works a lot and that there will be times when I don't see him any. Okay. So he's a hard worker. Yeah, that's a bad thing. NOT! He's expecting me to complain because that's what everyone did in his past. Well, my past will give me a new perspective that the other ladies in his life didn't have. I think the fact that he works so hard is admirable and it goes a long way in reassuring me and making me feel safe. He's also worried about me getting tired of the fishing because he does that a lot too. I told him recently that he is a very hard working man and that if he wants to go fishing then he should go. Period. I feel that he deserves that time and I want him to have it. I know he's expecting me to start whining about it eventually. It's going to be funny, when in years to come I'm still jumping up with him on those mornings and making his coffee while we wait on Tommy to come by and get him. When I first realized that I was falling in love with Terry, I noticed that the qualities about him that I love the most are the same ones that I find so special in my daddy. This past Thursday, I realized they are a lot alike. They both are very hard workers and have an incredible amount of integrity. They both live by a set of rules that all men SHOULD live by, but in this day and age...not many do. Their word means everything and if they tell you something, then you can count on it. They both love their families fiercly. Knowing he has those qualities like my daddy lets me know that I will always be safe, I will always be loved, I will always have what I need and I will always have him here with me...even when he is at work or off fishing. His heart is mine. I see the way my daddy looks at my mom after all these years and I know that decades down the road, Terry will be looking at me the same way. So, here I am in my new living room. The boys are asleep in their beds. Giz is asleep at my feet. My coffee is good. My man is fishing and having a well deserved morning on the water. My life is so blessed. Don't think for one minute that I have forgotten where all of this has come from. My prayers have been answered. God heard those cries in the night. I listened to Him when He told me to just have patience and wait a while longer. The happiness in my heart feels overwhelming at times but it's always good to let it flow over and onto others anyway. Life is good.

Moving....

2009-04-28T13:49:00.004-05:00

Not much time to write lately....barely enough time to think really!! I'm moving into a new home with the love of my life and it's very time consuming, as well as exciting! Things are so great now. I've found a happiness not many people find in their lives and I'm so very greatful for it. Now, I have an entire family of guys to keep me on my toes!! Terry (my man!! lol), Kobe (12), Alex (7) and Eli (1)....I'm swimming in testosterone now. :) So, I'm basking in my happiness and trying to get settled into a new home. I'll be back soon to recap on all the happenings and wonderful things that are going on. Life is wonderful!!!

A real man...

2009-04-16T07:19:00.002-05:00

He came running to my rescue when he thought I was being yelled at. He will demand respect for his lady when a former family member chooses to be disrespectful. He will insist on doing "man's work" and will tell me right quick to back away when I try. He takes the boy fishin' and talks to him like a friend...creating a bond of trust. He provides and works incredibly hard. He lets me be a lady and makes me feel like a woman. He's intellegent and is always looking to learn more about any and everything that interests him. He's warm and passionate and doesn't mind wearing his heart on his sleeve for me to see. He doesn't anger easily, but if he is right and you are wrong...watch out. When he holds me...I know without a doubt that nothing in the world will ever hurt me because he will never allow it. He loves my son and he doesn't even have to....but he does and it's so very evident. He's a good daddy to his boys. He is an old-fashioned kind of man in an era when it's so very rare and yet searched for by most women. I'm lucky to have him in my life and the life of my child. Terry is so incredible. His heart is so big and he's so warm and caring. I love him so much and growing old with him will be the best kind of life that I could ever imagine living. Life is so good and will only get better.

2009-04-02T07:02:00.007-05:00

I feel like everything that has ever happened to me has been preparation for this point in my life. Everything I've ever felt, done, learned, and experienced...all leading up to this moment in time.
It's an odd thing, going through life as a divorced, single parent....looking for a mate and only finding bits and pieces of things that may be considered positive characteristics scattered among a host of less than spectacular people. Stumbling across that one person with everything that you've ever desired all wrapped up into one warm, attractive body is a rare thing. Few people are ever that lucky and they usually settle for the best that they can find at the moment. Not so with me.
I talk to God often about what I think I need and want and also about the things that He wants for me. He has never really let me in on HIS particular plans for my life, but I've always had faith that whatever those plans are, it would be incredible. I feel in my heart, part of that plan is taking shape. I've often said that I believe God has spent my entire life preparing me for something special. All the bad things, all the things that I thought would break me but never did, all of the lessons learned are taking their place at this crossroad. I've been standing at this spot for a short while now, waiting to see which way to turn. Waiting for God to show me which path I should take now. Recently, I believe He's shown me the way to go. I truly believe that He has put His plan into action. Remember me saying at one time that maybe the reason I was still alone was because God wasn't finished working with the person He had for me? Well....my heart tells me that I've found him. I've been standing here waiting (not always patiently :)) and just as soon as I tell God that I quit, I give up and I can accept being alone for the rest of my life if that's what He wants.... off in the distance I see a familiar face. He's everything I've always wanted in a man, but never thought existed. My heart is telling me that he's the one that will finally prove to me that all men are not the same. The wheels are turning and God's plan is in action. I'm just going to close my eyes, trust in Him and let Him have His way. It's a peaceful feeling really...knowing and not having the least little doubt. I'll introduce Terry soon. Right now, I just want to take this feeling and put it in a place that I can always come back to it because it feels so incredible.

An entire month with nothing to say

2009-02-02T06:05:00.004-05:00

I guess in a way, that's a good thing. There have been a few things to happen that, even though I really didn't feel like writing about at the time, I will get them all out now just so it doesn't seem like the month is a bust.
I think the one and only thing that really stands out for me is having lunch with a jackass. Yes, I said it. This dude was really something else. We talked a lot prior to the date and from what I could gather from our conversations...he was ok. I had a sinking feeling in my gut though, but after talking with some friends I decided to go through with it. So we met, we had lunch, I went back to work. I wasn't in any way impressed with him, but my friends (with good intentions of course...they are afraid of me sabotaging myself out of fear) they told me to give him a chance. So, I decided that I would do just that. THAT is when I received the call from Mr. Iamsogreat...telling me how disappointed he was and that I didn't measure up to the kind of woman that he wants for himself. Uh...yeah. For a split second, it almost crushed me. Then, I became furious. Who the hell was HE to tell me that I didn't measure up??? He was no stud. The old me would have crawled under a rock and used this as another excuse to hide from the world. Not the new me....I used this as an excuse to become alittle more tough, alittle more cynical, a little more jaded and lot more selective about the people that I choose to see. I'm no longer the jelly-for-a-spine woman that would take that kind of abuse. I'm damn strong. DAMN strong I tell you! I knew there was something about him that I didn't like...but I wanted to give him a chance because I, too, was afraid of self sabotage. From now on...I listen to that voice. Women have it for a reason. There is no sense in shutting it up when I need it the most. So that was that. My friends once again rallied around me to make sure that I didn't let this get to me. Sheree wanted to drive to Tifton and beat him down. Tom wanted to form a posse and go after him. Lots of people reassured me that it was not me, but him. I agree. I have way too many people telling me that I'm a good person and a pretty woman for some jerk to come along and make me believe something as stupid as that.
Now on to something else...lol
I've made more of an effort to be more open and try to meet new people. Part of my problem is that I'm so afraid of rejection that I head it off at the pass and never take a chance at acceptance. I'm working hard at changing that. How many good things have I missed out on in the past because I was too afraid to take a chance? I'm sure there are enough to make me want to cry. My next self-help session is to go to a public venue ALONE and sit there ALONE while I watch my friend's band play. Yes, there are people that I could take with me, but this is a form of therapy for myself. I have to work through these fears in my own way. This is how I made it possible for me to go shopping by myself without the aide of my former friend, Xanax. I started off going to the grocery store. Then, when I became comfortable with that, I went to Walmart. Now, I can go to Albany or Valdosta and walk the malls without a care in the world. If you have never experienced this kind of fear, I'm sure you think this is silly...but trust me, it's real and it can ruin a life. So, my next step is to sit in a place full of people by myself for an extended period of time and listen to music and all while no one is with me to shelter me from the unknown. I'm excited!! I'm still growing and becoming different everyday. I'm becoming less dependant on others for my happiness and safety. I'm becoming stronger and more confident. I'm becoming content with the way things are now instead of wishing for things that I don't and probably will never have. Granted, there are still days where I cry. There are still times when I want to be held and loved. But all in all, my life is amazing. And it keeps getting better and better everyday!!!!

Another year comes to a close....

2008-12-31T20:10:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking all week about what I would write in my New Year's blog and for the life of me...I couldn't come up with anything. Last New Year's, my life was still in such a tailspin that I had plenty of things to ponder over. This year...not so much. Yeah, there have been tons of changes. There have been a few things that happened that could possibly be blog-worthy...but all in all, it was a very quiet year. And I kind of like it that way. This year did see some pretty incredible changes though. Like, moving in to my apartment!! That was very exciting for me. Not so much for my daddy or Tom (they worked themselves to death those 2 days!!)but it was exciting for me because I just made my mind up one day to find a better place for me and Kobe and then I did it. It felt very good. I started running, which surprisingly enough I love! I haven't been out in several weeks because of the insane time of year and the dark when I'm off work, but I itch to get back out there and run. I found an exercize that I love to do and that in itself is amazing. I lost an enormous amount of weight since the beginning of this year. I still have a ways to go, but I've come a long way and I'm very proud of myself. I've dropped 8 dress sizes! I've gone from wearing clothes with multiple X's...to no X's at all. So, physically, yeah...there are some changes.
I met some amazing people this year. I made a lot of new friends and some have become incredibly special and have found their way into that place in my heart that I don't allow much access to. I've made more new friends within this past year than I did the entire decade before. Some of these folks I love enough to take a bullet for....some, well, I'd sure as hell miss them! :)
My son has seen his own share of changes this year. He adjusted to a new school, new friends, a new home, a new step-mom and a brand new baby sister!! That's a lot for a kid his age or anyone at any age!! He's seen all of this and faced it head-on like a man. I'm so proud of him!! He's also grown more than 10 inches within this past year and is now wearing a size 12 men's shoe. I hope he gives the growing a rest in this next year, or I'm going to be in trouble. He's discovered girls too. This is not pleasing to me in the least and I keep telling him girls "are the debil" and I'm the only girl he can ever trust and all I get is a grunt and an eye roll. Then, I catch him checking out Miss Hoochie in the Bootyshorts at Walmart and I fight the urge to punch him in the stomach!! My baby is growing up and this year....he becomes a TEENAGER!!! (cue My Chemical Romance) lol
So, no real drama, no suspense, not a whole lot of anything really. In some ways, I guess that's good. I do, however, hope for a more livelier year to come. I hope that God continues to listen to my prayers and I hope that He can work in my life. I need to give more to Him also, I know. I hope that my son continues to grow into the incredible man that I can see just beneath the surface. And for all of my friends, I love you so much. Some of you have invested a tremendous amount of time, sweat and tears to help me through this year. Some of you moved everything I had from one side of the county to the other. Some of you held me while I cried. Some of you kept the margaritas coming until I could spill my guts to you. And some of you have never failed to be there for me, offering the much needed shoulder or a warm hug. And I know some of you probably had a few sleepless nights and extra gray hair because of me!! I hope this upcoming year brings you happiness and joy. I love you all more than you will ever know!!! Happy New Year!!!!